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Birds Gone Bad

This is what happens to birds that don’t play nice. Word has it this bird was running around attacking young girls and flirting with neighborhood pets. No, wait, that was the monkey from last week. This poor sap got lassoed and pepper sprayed by the pO-lice. But not before he dragged a couple of them down the street. Whoo Mr. Emu! Check out that thing’s feet. I think that’s what’s sticking out from under the officer’s arm.

I Can See!

My contact lens factory conspiracy theory has been confirmed. I explained the situation to my optometrist this morning and he said “Well, looks like we’re having another coup attempt at the contact lens factory. That darned contact lens maker tyrant keeps pissing off his contact lens maker helpers.” Okay, not exactly. I’ll admit, he phrased himself a bit differently. But basically he said there was probably some sort of manufacturing problem that screwed up the whole batch. So I switched to a different brand and I’m back down to two eyes for the day. Hooray!

One Mighty Phallus   . . . or . . . Another Reason to Study Plant Biology

There’s a plant out there with a name that means, according to one reporter, “misshapen penis of the titan”. For you taxonomy buffs, that’s Amorphophallus titanum. Anyway, this plant doesn’t bloom very often (once every decade or so?), but when it does it grows at the rate of 5 inches a day to reach a height of 7 to 12 feet, resulting in:

Yes, that’s one mighty plant. It also starts to wreak of rotting flesh around bloom time. To attract pollinating beetles, they say. But unfortunately, they don’t always make it to this stage. They seem to have a heck of a time, um, getting it up. “The A. titanum is difficult to cultivate” because it “does not reliably increase in size”. Sounds like we need to start making some Viagra for plants! Hrmm… grad school project material?

Well, for those of you impressed enough by this plant to want to learn more, there’s always the Fairchild Tropical Gardens site. There’s a great porn shot at the very bottom of the page.

Plant porn. What will I think of next?

Tunnel Vision

Tunnel vision is what I’ve got today. I’m wearing my glasses because my new contact lenses kept trying to fall out. Yes, I really think they were trying to fall out. Anyhooz, here I am, spending the day with glasses on my face. I actually don’t mind them nearly as much as any of my previous pairs of glasses, but still, glasses give me tunnel vision! I hate not really being able to see what’s going on around me. They just warp the world. And my world will be warped tomorrow, too, unless I figure out why today’s new contacts don’t fit the same as the ones I started two weeks ago. I mean, I think it’s the same prescription. I have this suspicion that the whole batch is defective. The first contact lens I pulled out this morning was stuck to itself. I couldn’t unstick it even after pulling and tugging! I think something very wrong happened at the contact lens plant. Like maybe the master contact lens maker was a tyrant and the disgruntled little contact lens maker helpers decided to rebel by introducing imperfections into each lens that were nearly undetectable to the naked eye (ah, but not to my naked eye) and thus be able to get by the scrutinous (and apparently naked) eye of the master contact lens maker tyrant but would surely garner enough consumer complaints to get him fired (that is, overthrown). Hrmm…

Another Use for Lasers

actually it’s 4:02:09 PM PDT on Sunday and I’m still on the plane

So aside from using lasers to de-arm (yes, that’s de-arm, not disarm) seat boundary offenders, I think they’d be very handy to have on the road. I’ve been mulling over the feasibility of mounting lasers on my car. The next time someone cuts me off I’ll zap ’em! That’s right, just take out their tire and watch ’em spin. Or I could turn up the juice and blow ’em off the road. Honestly, I think it would be a service to the world, since people would start driving more politely for fear of being zapped. Everyone except me, that is, since I’ll be the one doin’ the zapping!

Outta My Space Dude!

actually it’s 3:49:40 PM PDT but that’s not really my time zone ’cause I’m on a plane flying cross-country

I hate it when the person in the seat next to mine on the plane takes up the entire armrest. The guy sitting next to me is doing just that, and then some. At least he’s not so fat that he has to put the armrest up and spill over into my seat. I really hate it when that happens.

D’oh. He just leaned over and talked to me. Now I can’t write anything bad about him. For some reason I just can’t be harsh or mean once a stranger humanizes himself.

And, yes, that’s himself or herself. I was trying to be grammatically correct, not sexist.

Anyway, back to this armrest thing. I truly believe that seat boundaries should be enforced. Perhaps the airlines should look into installing some sort of laser that zaps seat boundary violators. Wanna keep your arm? Then keep it on your side of the boundary! If it crosses over then you’re losing it and don’t ask me to give it back because I’m chucking it to the other end of the plane. Bye-bye, arm!

Lefty Golfers Unite!

actually it’s 1:35:01 AM

So my dad was looking for a new golf glove today. We went to the Sports Authority. They have this huge golf section with a wall of golf gloves. Leather gloves, synthetic gloves, women’s gloves, youth gloves. You name it, they had it. Kind of. All they had were left-hand gloves. My dad needed a right-hand glove. What’s up with that? What do lefties do? Are they not expected to play golf? This reminds me of an editorial cartoon I saw yesterday in USA Today. It showed a guy lamenting the end of “another great golf tradition” yanking out a “No Carts” sign and throwing it in a pile of signs that included “No Jews” and “No Blacks”. I guess the “No Lefties” sign is still there. Huh.

And while I’m on the topic, let me rant about the Casey Martin court decision. If they let Casey use a cart, I think they should let all the other golfers use a cart too. Yes, Casey can’t walk the course, but that doesn’t mean the other golfers should have to walk while Casey rides and conserves his energy. Actually, I think allowing the cart at all is stupid. Walking is part of golf, dammit. Just like running is part of track and field. Why don’t they allow supercharged wheelchairs on the track for those who can’t run? I mean, there needs to be equal access, right? Geez, we’re talking about playing at the professional level. If you can’t do all the things the sport requires then you shouldn’t be playing as a professional. Sorry. Even if you can shoot a Tiger Woods score every time. If Tiger had to walk the course and you didn’t then there’s no comparison.