Surveillance Deer Part II

Okay, so I was being a bit sales-ey when I said that bit about no deer poop. There is always the possibility that the surveillance deer would attract real live deer. In that case, you would definitely have deer poop on your lawn. But hey, think of it as free environmentally friendly fertilizer. You wouldn’t have to worry about the runoff getting into the bay and killing the fishies. Plus, you wouldn’t have to stick those unsightly little yellow signs all over your lawn warning people not to touch, lick, or eat the grass. A little deer poop never killed anyone.

There I go again, with the surveillance deer sales pitch. Okay, here’s one that should get ya: What if your surveillance deer attracted a real live deer that then proceeded to try to mate with your dear deer? The one with the camera in its head. Can we say Discovery Channel?

Yeah, I know you’re ready to buy. Please remember to include your credit card number and expiration date.

Surveillance Deer Part I

So I was walking through this ritzy neighborhood a couple weeks back and there was a deer just standing there in someone’s front yard. It looked really darned lifelike, but it was standing really darned still. Was it a real live deer? Was it a real live deer statue? Then I thought I saw its head move. Indeed, it did. But it was just turning at the neck. The rest of it was, well, still really darned still. Was it a real live deer? Or… was it a surveillance deer? You know, a fake deer that looks really darned real with a camera in its head. Instead of having ugly cameras all over your property, why not put a family of deer on your front lawn? Much more natural that way. I think it’d bring the property value up. Your neighbors would appreciate it too. In fact, they might decide to get surveillance deer of their own. Pretty soon you’d have a whole neighborhood filled with surveillance deer. It’d be like living in the forest, but without the danger of stepping in deer poop when you go out to mow your lawn. Hrmm…

If I started making surveillance deer, would you buy one?

Penis Plant Worship

The Mighty Phallus Plant is blooming! This is only the 15th Amorphophallus titanum bloom in the US since 1937. Mein gott! I pulled this image off their webcam:

Notice the guy in the blue shirt just to the right of the plant. I think he’s trying to talk to it or something. “Me, greenhouse director. You, Big Bucky.” Yeah, they named it Big Bucky. I guess since it’s a penis plant they couldn’t name it Big Bertha.

So where’s the worship I speak of in the title? It’s here.

If you go to the webcam at night you can watch Big Bucky sleep. It’s cute in a strange kind of way.


Could it be? Is this page now AvantGo enabled? AvantGo subscribers, you tell me. Yes, that would be all one of you. And me. So that’s two of us. And anyone else who has a PDA I don’t know about. And anyone I don’t know about who has a PDA. Whoever you are, click on the above link and let me know if it really works!

Birds Gone Bad

This is what happens to birds that don’t play nice. Word has it this bird was running around attacking young girls and flirting with neighborhood pets. No, wait, that was the monkey from last week. This poor sap got lassoed and pepper sprayed by the pO-lice. But not before he dragged a couple of them down the street. Whoo Mr. Emu! Check out that thing’s feet. I think that’s what’s sticking out from under the officer’s arm.

I Can See!

My contact lens factory conspiracy theory has been confirmed. I explained the situation to my optometrist this morning and he said “Well, looks like we’re having another coup attempt at the contact lens factory. That darned contact lens maker tyrant keeps pissing off his contact lens maker helpers.” Okay, not exactly. I’ll admit, he phrased himself a bit differently. But basically he said there was probably some sort of manufacturing problem that screwed up the whole batch. So I switched to a different brand and I’m back down to two eyes for the day. Hooray!

One Mighty Phallus   . . . or . . . Another Reason to Study Plant Biology

There’s a plant out there with a name that means, according to one reporter, “misshapen penis of the titan”. For you taxonomy buffs, that’s Amorphophallus titanum. Anyway, this plant doesn’t bloom very often (once every decade or so?), but when it does it grows at the rate of 5 inches a day to reach a height of 7 to 12 feet, resulting in:

Yes, that’s one mighty plant. It also starts to wreak of rotting flesh around bloom time. To attract pollinating beetles, they say. But unfortunately, they don’t always make it to this stage. They seem to have a heck of a time, um, getting it up. “The A. titanum is difficult to cultivate” because it “does not reliably increase in size”. Sounds like we need to start making some Viagra for plants! Hrmm… grad school project material?

Well, for those of you impressed enough by this plant to want to learn more, there’s always the Fairchild Tropical Gardens site. There’s a great porn shot at the very bottom of the page.

Plant porn. What will I think of next?

Tunnel Vision

Tunnel vision is what I’ve got today. I’m wearing my glasses because my new contact lenses kept trying to fall out. Yes, I really think they were trying to fall out. Anyhooz, here I am, spending the day with glasses on my face. I actually don’t mind them nearly as much as any of my previous pairs of glasses, but still, glasses give me tunnel vision! I hate not really being able to see what’s going on around me. They just warp the world. And my world will be warped tomorrow, too, unless I figure out why today’s new contacts don’t fit the same as the ones I started two weeks ago. I mean, I think it’s the same prescription. I have this suspicion that the whole batch is defective. The first contact lens I pulled out this morning was stuck to itself. I couldn’t unstick it even after pulling and tugging! I think something very wrong happened at the contact lens plant. Like maybe the master contact lens maker was a tyrant and the disgruntled little contact lens maker helpers decided to rebel by introducing imperfections into each lens that were nearly undetectable to the naked eye (ah, but not to my naked eye) and thus be able to get by the scrutinous (and apparently naked) eye of the master contact lens maker tyrant but would surely garner enough consumer complaints to get him fired (that is, overthrown). Hrmm…

Another Use for Lasers

actually it’s 4:02:09 PM PDT on Sunday and I’m still on the plane

So aside from using lasers to de-arm (yes, that’s de-arm, not disarm) seat boundary offenders, I think they’d be very handy to have on the road. I’ve been mulling over the feasibility of mounting lasers on my car. The next time someone cuts me off I’ll zap ’em! That’s right, just take out their tire and watch ’em spin. Or I could turn up the juice and blow ’em off the road. Honestly, I think it would be a service to the world, since people would start driving more politely for fear of being zapped. Everyone except me, that is, since I’ll be the one doin’ the zapping!

Outta My Space Dude!

actually it’s 3:49:40 PM PDT but that’s not really my time zone ’cause I’m on a plane flying cross-country

I hate it when the person in the seat next to mine on the plane takes up the entire armrest. The guy sitting next to me is doing just that, and then some. At least he’s not so fat that he has to put the armrest up and spill over into my seat. I really hate it when that happens.

D’oh. He just leaned over and talked to me. Now I can’t write anything bad about him. For some reason I just can’t be harsh or mean once a stranger humanizes himself.

And, yes, that’s himself or herself. I was trying to be grammatically correct, not sexist.

Anyway, back to this armrest thing. I truly believe that seat boundaries should be enforced. Perhaps the airlines should look into installing some sort of laser that zaps seat boundary violators. Wanna keep your arm? Then keep it on your side of the boundary! If it crosses over then you’re losing it and don’t ask me to give it back because I’m chucking it to the other end of the plane. Bye-bye, arm!