Cell Phone Rage

actually it’s 10:38:05 PM EDT. grrrr…

Cell phone rage is what happens when you call someone and the other person answers but can’t hear you no matter how many times you yell “can you hear me??” into the phone and then when the other person finally says their last “hello” and hangs up and you try to call back you all you get is the Pacific Bell Wireless operator recording telling you “all circuits are busy” over and over again even after the 10th time you redial. So then you think that the other person’s cell phone provider sucks and you try to call the other person’s land line and you realize that your cell phone provider sucks too because now you can’t even get out of your own provider network to connect to a non-cell phone. You try the other person’s cell phone number again and after a few more operator recordings tell you “all circuits are busy” you finally get through only to have your call dropped, not just that once but three more times after that. So then you ditch the cell phone and go back to the land line and finally just this once you connect and the other person can actually hear you but it’s such a horrible connection you sound like fuzz, horrible annoying fuzz, and the other person becomes horribly annoyed, and when someone is horribly annoyed they’re not just annoyed but also horrible, horrible like you already are because you’re cell phone raging.

Chewy Fries

und drei macht acht Uhr zehn

I had chewy french fries for dinner today. Not crispy and not soggy. Chewy.

Chewy like jerky.

Chewy like leather.

Hrmm… Leather french fries. Like a mini whip! Edible, too! Whoo!

The Amazing Properties of Cat Hair

oh, you know what time it really is

I’m absolutely perplexed by ability of cat hair to find its way onto everything you own. Even when you don’t own any cats. Take me, for example. I own zeeero cats. I know two cats. But they don’t have access to my suitcase because they aren’t allowed to play in my trunk, which is where my suitcase was when I last saw the cats. They’ve also never seen or touched or had an inkling of an idea about the existence of the clothes in my suitcase that was in my trunk. So why is it that there’s cat hair on the clothes in my suitcase? On the most well-hidden item, no less!

All you peeplz who think that computers are going to take over the world, let me just tell you that you’re wrong. Wrong wrong wrong! Computers, ha! They’re no match for cat hair! Cat hair will cover the computers, get in the fans, and bring them down to a smoking melting halt. Cat hair will cover everything, until all you see is cat hair shaped into various formerly known objects. And don’t even think you can clean it up because you’ll just be wiping cat hair into a clump and when that clump gets big enough it will turn into a hairball and eat you. And then you will just become cat hair shaped into another formerly known object. Death by cat hair.


strange, it looks like it’s 9:09:39 AM EDT outside…

If you take something on a plane 20 times and it doesn’t blow up then that means it just doesn’t blow up on planes, right?

Wrong! Hair gel everywhere! It’s slimy stuff! Everywhere! Everywhere! I can’t wait until it dries. Won’t that be fun? I’ll be able to get everything out of my suitcase in one fell pull because everything’s stuck together! How’s that for unpacking efficiency?

Damn Those Burritos!

actually it’s 10:54:43 PM EDT ’cause I’m in Newark tonight

Go to work… or… go eat a burrito?
burrito wins!
Talk to Viv… or… go eat a burrito?
burrito wins again!

How about that? I’m no match for a burrito. And a vegetarian one at that!

Steamroller Frustrations

actually it’s 12:26:35 PM PDT and I’m still in my roomy exit row seat

Steamrolling sounds fun, doesn’t it? I think I saw my first steamroller on TV, most likely in a Looney Toons cartoon. Someone got run over, peeled off the roller, and floated to the ground like a leaf. I laughed. Didn’t we all laugh? I wanted my own steamroller.

But here’s the problem. They don’t make steamrollers that go fast enough. How am I supposed to run someone over if I can’t catch them? I must say, I’m disappointed by the shortsightedness of the original steamroller designers. Designing a machine that has so much potential and then limiting it to one purpose. What a waste!