soopahviv.net/blog

September 23, 2008 / Tuesday

Eyebrow Highbrow

Last weekend, on the phone with mom, 20 minutes into the conversation, out of nowhere...

M: Your eyebrow hairs, they are quite long.
V: My what?
M: Eyebrow hairs. I don't mean eyelashes. Your eyelashes are nice and long compared to other Asians' because I trimmed them when you were a baby.
V: What?
M: The last time you were home, I noticed that your eyebrow hairs were long. You must have let someone trim them.
V: Um, no...
M: Why then, are they so long?
V: I don't know, mom.
M: I bet your eyebrows are plucked very thin. Don't do that.
V: Mom, you haven't seen me in a really long time. My eyebrows aren't thin.
M: Stop plucking your eyebrows for a while. Let them grow out, then have a professional do it.
V: ...
M: Your sister accidentally plucked her eyebrows wrong and they looked funny. You can't fix that, you know. You just have to wait until they grow back.

Did that just happen? Did my mom really (1) take note of the length of my eyebrow hairs and (2) comment on what she *thinks* my eyebrows look like now? (I haven't seen her in well over a year.) If she thinks this much about my eyebrows, what how many brain cycles does she devote to the rest of me? Goodness, has she noticed my *gasp* dry cuticles?!

And I'm sure my sister's eyebrows looked just fine.

11:33 PM | Famidotes| Comments (3)

August 11, 2008 / Monday

Happy Birthday Grandma, And Thanks!

My grandma turned 80 today. I spent most of the afternoon busy at work, but remembered to call her before it got too late in her time zone. We had a nice long conversation about all sorts of things, and I amazingly managed to say everything I wanted to without a lick of Chinglish*.

At one point, she was talking about how my sister recently got a raise, and how she still remembered carrying her home from the hospital like a little lump of dough. (When you say it in Chinese it's cute and endearing. "meen fun") "And now," she said happily, "you're both grown up and making money, and your sister even drives me around!" I took that opportunity to thank her for where my sister and I are today, because if it weren't for my grandma, I wouldn't be here, and you wouldn't be reading this.

You see, way back when I was just a wee little meen fun, my grandma, who does not speak any English, bought a book about America and started studying. She studied every night while she worked on her sewing (for pay, not for fun). Then she rounded up a couple of US citizen friends to accompany her to the naturalization exam. (I guess you need to prove you know people who belong here?) She failed. She studied more, rounded up a couple friends, and went back. She failed again. She didn't give up, though. There was more studying, another round of rounding up two friends, and finally, on her third try, she passed.

After that, my mom (then pregnant with my sister), dad, and I got to move to the US. I can't imagine what my life would have been like if I'd grown up in Hong Kong. As it was, when my mom told my teacher we were moving here, she replied, "Good! Vivian will never make it here. She'll do much better in American schools." And she was right. In Hong Kong, I struggled to focus, and got in trouble because I couldn't. Here, I thrived.

Thanks, grandma, from the bottom of my heart.

* By "Chinglish", I mean Chinese that is interspersed with English, or vice versa, not bad English, as it is defined in Wikipedia. Bad English, in my book, is "Engrish". I've been using the term "Chinglish" since the 90's, and the initial Wikipedia definition of the word came about only in 2003, so suck it, Wikipedia, that's my word.

11:08 PM | Famidotes| Comments (5)

April 26, 2008 / Saturday

Dad Rules

I was talking to my dad earlier and I told him I broke my hockey stick. "Wow," he said, "you must have shot the puck very hard." I laughed, and assured him that that was not the case. He asked how much the stick cost. "$180," I said, expecting him to be taken aback by the price. Instead, he replied, "Oh, it's like a golf club!"

*grin*

09:12 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

March 03, 2008 / Monday

Happy Stomach, Happy Car

I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday after meeting my aunt for dim sum.

- My aunt shows me she cares about me by bringing me foods I really like such as tsa siu so and joong.
- I show my aunt I care about her by balancing the always-out-of-whack tire pressures on her car.

The difficulties we had with each other in the past seem to have smoothed themselves over a bit. I think that means I'm getting old.

08:34 PM | Famidotes| Comments (2)

February 10, 2008 / Sunday

Squirmy Meets Mom's Approval

I told my mom about Squirmy and she thought it was cool. I think it reminded her of the silkworms she raised as a kid.

She also said that finding a worm in my bok choy probably meant that the bok choy wasn't coated in pesticides, and, thus, better for me. I think she wants me to buy more.

I could start a Squirmy farm!

Speaking of Squirmy, he spent all of Friday on the wall above the couch, but disappeared on Saturday. Will I ever see him again?

• • •

Update: I saw Squirmy again after I got home from hockey. When I turned the TV on, I saw him hanging out on the power button, which has a blue LED that lights up when it's off. I guess he was searching for light after it got dark. I went over to take a picture, but I got a little too close, and he fluttered away.

12:48 AM | Famidotes| Comments (2)

October 09, 2007 / Tuesday

Wahhh, Free Shipping!

I'm scheduled for a work trip to Boston later this month. My mom called just now with a request...

M: Will you bring me some video tapes from your aunt?
V: How many?
M: Um... 9.
V: Oh. Yeah... okaaay.
M: You have to bring them back to her, too, because they're borrowed.
V: What??
M: You have room, right? They stack neatly!
V: Would you like me to bring you some canned goods too?*
M: Actually, grandma was hoping you'd bring her some special canned tuna that we can't buy here.
V: I was kidding.
M: I know, so I told her that you looked but couldn't find any.

It always feel like a mad scramble to transport as many items as possible when someone in my family travels cross-country. Personally, I'd rather pay shipping fees and have UPS do the hauling. Does that make me a bad Chinese person?

* One time, she really did try to send me off with cans of food. It took me several minutes of emphatic protest to convince her that 99 Ranch most likely carried the item, or a darned good equivalent.

03:51 PM | Famidotes| Comments (8)

August 04, 2007 / Saturday

Bragging Rights

My dad called just now to tell me that he shot a hole in one today. We then moved on the soon to be no more topic of school, and he laughed heartily about how he has familial bragging rights forever for producing the first member of the clan to go to college, and now to earn a Master's degree. He then switched back to golf, adding, "Now you have bragging rights to tell your friends that your old man shot a hole in one!"

I asked him if he was going to get a little display box for the ball and he said that he'd already written all the relevant stats on it and placed it in the bowl where my mom keeps the dried mandarins. Why? Because the dried mandarins are little and round too.

Dad, so cute. Now that's worth bragging about. :)

08:29 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

July 25, 2007 / Wednesday

Parents Are Cute

My parents just called to say, "Oh, poor you, stuck in North Carolina all by yourself," followed by, "Aiya, it's almost midnight! Go to bed!"

08:46 PM | Famidotes:Trips| Comments (2)

June 24, 2007 / Sunday

Hello, Grandpa

I called my grandpa today, for the second time ever. Usually, my mom urges me to call and I don't because I don't know what to say, but today I just felt like hearing his voice and seeing how he was. It was a lot easier to do than last time, now that I've paid him a visit. I still didn't know what to say, but like my mom's been telling me, it's better to get a call than to not. He sounded happy to hear from me, and despite my subpar command of Chinese and his funky hybrid of Toishanese and Cantonese, we were able to get most of our points across.

That wasn't so bad. I should remember to call him more often.

11:35 AM | Famidotes| Comments (2)

May 22, 2007 / Tuesday

Grandparents Day

I had most of a much longer and more detailed post about today's visits with my grandparents written up, but upon review I decided it was a little too personal for this blog. With regard to my mom's issues with my hair, I'll just say that I didn't wear pigtails, I didn't wear a hat, and my hair is still red.

My visit with my grandfather saddened me greatly, as I'd expected. This was likely the last time I'll ever see him and I think we both knew it. I was sad because of the condition he's in, and because I think he knew that this visit was probably another one of his lasts in life. I could tell from the way he watched me when it was time to leave. Walking out of that room knowing that I was taking myself out of his sight was really, really hard.

My visit with my grandmother was much happier. She took the T in, we picked her up at the station, had a nice lunch, went shopping, and hung out at home, where I showed her some pictures from commencement. She inquired only briefly about my hair, and asked me to bring my boyfriend back for a visit (not a husband or a baby, hallelujah!). She talked about how she was really happy to see me and my sister all grown up, and I finally got to thank her for where we are today; I would have had a much different life had she not braved several naturalization interviews to obtain citizenship and apply for our immigration to the U.S. When it was time for her to go home, I gave her a big hug. Gotta get those in while I can.

So, in the end, I got to see my grandparents and no one had a heart attack. I'm not quite sure what the big fuss was all about, but I'm glad that it didn't amount to anything.

And now, a mommydote.

My mom jumped out of the car to meet my grandma as she approached our car at the station. She said she wanted to prepare my grandmother for the shock of my hair. As they came near, I heard mom say to grandma, "She dyed her hair red. It's like Chinese New Year!"

If only I'd thought to tell my mom that a week ago.

09:22 PM | Famidotes:Trips| Comments (2)

May 21, 2007 / Monday

Wait, So Who Saved The Pilgrims?

Mom: Chinese people are more flexible. They can adapt to new environments better than white people can.

Me: What about the Pilgrims?

Mom: Lots of them died, before Native Americans descended from Asian blood came and saved them.

08:22 AM | Famidotes| Comments (2)

May 18, 2007 / Friday

Mom On Mormonism

My mom has a theory that Mormons don't consume caffeine and alcohol so they can keep themselves in good enough health to marry more wives and have more kids.

Also, they're very smart, because having more wives means having more people to do housework.

03:11 PM | Famidotes| Comments (1)

Flash Trumps Brain

Mom, punching in numbers on her phone: Not using the address book helps me remember important numbers.

30 seconds later

Mom, on the phone: Oh, I'm sorry, wrong number!

09:23 AM | Famidotes| Comments (1)

May 17, 2007 / Thursday

Hair Logic, And Then Some

So from my red pigtails, my mom has decided the following:

• I must be unhappy, because otherwise I would not do such a thing.
• I should seek professional counseling, because not wanting to look typical is abnormal.
• I shouldn't visit my grandfather even though this is probably my last chance to do so before he dies, because it would be too much of a shock to him and he might have a heart attack. (Um, didn't she just say he was going to die soon anyway?)
• I shouldn't see my grandmother because she's old too and her heart probably can't take it either.

I can't tell whether she is truly worried about my happiness, my mental health, and my grandparents' heart health, or if there are other reasons behind each or all of those points.

She also told me it was time to have black hair again, get married, and start a family. I told her that marriage and kids weren't my main goal in life. She replied by saying that how I've turned out is her biggest failure.

Wow, gee, sorry mom.

She has a theory that the turning point was when she allowed me to go to California for school instead of keeping me here in the Boston area. Never mind that I didn't bother to apply to any schools worth going to in Boston because I wanted to go away and learn to live on my own. Never mind that I love where I live, the people I know, and the things I do; that can't be true because my hair tells her otherwise. Honestly, after this conversation I'm more glad than I ever was that I live on the other side of the country.

I'm not mad, though. I'm sad. I'm sad not because of what she said, but because what she said only serves to drive me away. Each time I leave, I stay away a little longer. It reminds me of my aunt and my uncle, who both moved away because of my grandmother. I always knew why, but didn't truly understand. I'm starting to understand now.

From my point of view, my mom needs to understand that I am my own person. I am my own project, I control my own destiny, and I make my own decisions. My goal is to create a life that I am happy to live, not one that she is happy to observe. She's always stated that she wants me to be happy; why can't she understand that that means doing what I want and not what she wants?

I wonder what it is I need to understand from her point of view. I'd ask, but these conversations take too much out of me.

And what does it look like from an outside point of view? Am I being unreasonable? Is there something I'm not seeing? I feel as if I'm missing something.

10:47 PM | Famidotes:Trips| Comments (17)

April 14, 2007 / Saturday

Chattin' With Dad

"I think I'm having a midlife crisis," said my dad, who went on to explain that he wanted to trade in his still fairly new mini Mercedes for a gimungous Mercedes. That, and he'd just returned from a 10 PM supermarket run for wine and Haagen Dazs. He said he was going to eat the entire pint, which made me laugh. Now I know where I get it from.

We discussed our road trip to Pittsburgh for my CMU commencement next month. The topic then turned to a conversation that we had almost 12 years ago, when I was deciding which college to attend. I was leaning toward CMU because they had a program that combined computers and biology (In 1995! Go them for having it, and go me for wanting it!), and they were offering me a financial package that seemed crazy to refuse. My dad, however, wanted me to refuse it. He didn't tell me outright, but said to me with great gravity, "My father (in Hong Kong) knows the name of only two schools in America: Harvard and Berkeley."

Even though I was only 17 at the time, I understood exactly what he was asking me to do, and all his reasons why.

Tonight, he told me he was afraid that he may have pushed his opinion on me too hard. Strangely, the only thing I remember is that one line about my grandfather. In any case, I assured him that going to Cal was the right decision; I'm happy with who and where I am now. I'm sure things would have turned out much differently if I had ended up in Pittsburgh, and I don't believe they would have been for the better. I don't think I went as far as to thank him for steering me west, but I should have. Thanks, Dad. I'll try to remember to tell you that when I see you in May.

As I wrote the above, I recalled the day my acceptance letter from Berkeley arrived. I was happy, but my parents were ecstatic. They held each other and jumped up and down in circles. I remember being totally surprised - I wouldn't have expected that from them in a million years. So cute! What a great memory. :)

I'm glad I found time to call home today.

08:07 PM | Famidotes| Comments (2)

March 17, 2007 / Saturday

Really Really Short Memory

So I'm on the phone with my dad and I hear a commotion in the background. As it turns out, whatever my mom was cooking is burning in the kitchen. Dad graciously offers to take care of it and hands me off to mom. "Aiya," mom says, "I'm getting old! I set an alarm and put it in my pocket but I forgot to turn it on!" D'oh.

06:23 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

March 07, 2007 / Wednesday

Cooking Leaches Nutrients, Doesn't It?

M: Eat more vegetables.
V: I eat plenty of vegetables at work.
M: Aiya! Don't eat raw vegetables!
V: Huh??

12:19 PM | Famidotes| Comments (4)

August 17, 2006 / Thursday

Normal Looking People Don't Kill On Purpose

My mom, upon seeing John Mark Karr on TV just now, declared, "He looks pretty normal. It must have been an accident."

05:55 PM | Famidotes| Comments (1)

Big Kids

My parents are in town. (Hooray!) At dim sum with them and my aunt, my mom talked about how she once got into a wasabi eating competition with my dad. According to her, she won, but permanently injured her stomach doing so.

I don't know about you, but when I think of wasabi eating competitions I think of tablefuls of immature guys entertaining themselves at each other's expense.

Or at least I used to. Now I think of my mom and dad.

05:24 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

December 25, 2005 / Sunday

If It Doesn't Come Wrapped In Plastic

... wrap it yourself!

A: Do you have any clear plastic bags?
V: No, for what?
A: I want to wrap things in them.
V: Wrap what, and why?
A: Things, to keep the dust out.

Whaddaya think, should I wrap the sofa? ;)

11:32 AM | Famidotes| Comments (2)

December 12, 2005 / Monday

Mommy Wuvs Da Bobo

At dinner tonight, my mom asked me what time it was in Boston (11:30 PM), borrowed my phone, woke up my dad, and asked to speak to the dog.

Upon hearing my mom's voice, Bobo, normally a phone-fearing fraidy-dog, went up to the receiver and gave it a lick.

Aww ...

11:59 PM | Famidotes| Comments (4)

Role Reversal

In the past, my aunt has walked into every room arrangement I've ever created and told me how she would have done it differently, and how that would have been better.

Today, when my mom arrived at my aunt's house, she made suggestions on everything from the plants in front of the house to the construction of the bathroom. Each of those things could, of course, have been done better.

Finally, just before lunch, my mom made a positive comment about a skylight. With a look of relief, my aunt turned to me and said, "Now I know how you feel."

But does that mean she'll change her ways?

12:23 AM | Famidotes| Comments (1)

December 04, 2005 / Sunday

No Hockey For Mom

A week from today, my mom is coming to visit me and my aunt. Since the last time she visited was before I started playing hockey, I asked if she wanted to come to a game.

"Oh, no, people hold sticks. Too violent for me."

"Plus, everyone wears all this armor, and it's so fast. Makes me nervous. Especially if you're playing. Remember when we used to watch sports games on TV? When it came down to the final seconds I'd go into the kitchen and cook because I was too nervous to watch."

"I hope you understand."

Absolutely.

She's so cute sometimes.

06:55 PM | Famidotes:Hockey| Comments (5)

November 19, 2005 / Saturday

Bleaching To Look Normal

My aunt, upon seeing my new non-spikey 'do, asked, "Are you going to dye the blond hair dark again?"

"No," I replied, "I'm going to bleach the roots."

Heh.

We continued a bit with the hair color discussion. She wanted me to get fobby highlights. I explained that I prefer to look different from the average Asian person. She tried to counter by saying that since most people in the US are Caucasian, I look more average blond, and therefore should have dark hair if I want to look less average.

In the moment, her attempt at winning the argument at all logical cost annoyed me, but now that I've written it down, it's pretty damned amusing.

Look at me! I have black hair! I am a national anomaly!

12:49 AM | Famidotes:Hair| Comments (1)

October 27, 2005 / Thursday

How To Handle Chinese Relatives

Think of it as a mental toughness exercise.

I don't know if it's worth the toxins, though.

09:26 PM | Famidotes| Comments (2)

September 14, 2005 / Wednesday

Maybe I Should Grow My Own Vegetables

I mentioned to my mom the other day that I've been eating a lot more vegetables and a lot less meat since I started at my new company. She's always been pro vegetable and anti-lots-of-meat, so I figured she'd be pleased.

"Aiya!" she exclaimed, "Pesticides!" She then launched into 10 minutes of lecture about the dangers of pesticides.

Finally, I interrupted.

"Would you rather I switch back to eating lots of meat?"
"No, too much meat is bad for you."
"Would you rather I eat only organic vegetables?"
"No, that's too expensive."
"So what do you want me to do?"
"The world is so pitiful!"

So now, instead of worrying about me eating too much meat, she worries about me eating too much broccoli.

That's mom for ya.

09:39 PM | Famidotes:Food| Comments (1)

August 21, 2005 / Sunday

Bear Fair

Spent my first hockey free Sunday of the season furniture shopping with my aunt. We hit up the stores in SOMA in the early afternoon. A few blocks in, I saw flyers for various things Bear, followed shortly by very loud dance music and something that resembled a very large block party.

My aunt was confused. I told her it didn't have anything to do with animals. She asked if it had to do with Republicans. No, I said, that would be elephants. She wondered if it had to do with the stock market. A slighly better guess, but no, different kind of bear.

Finally, I explained to her what a bear was, stopping partway through my explanation to laugh at a license plate that read "BEAR ESQ". I finished explaining as we reached Hairrison (ha!), and I told her to look left and right for real, live examples.

She looked left, and saw 3 big fuzzy men approach. One of them had nothing but loose jeans and suspenders on, and as he walked away he treated us with a view of his hairy beary ass crack.

Auntie was unfazed. I'm totally impressed.

08:28 PM | Famidotes| Comments (4)

June 26, 2005 / Sunday

Rated -M

My sister won't let mom read her collection of Sin City books because she doesn't think mom can handle all the nudity and violence depicted in them.

-M: Not for mom.

09:11 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

June 20, 2005 / Monday

They're Still Not Listening, La La La

Note to self: Do not tell family members you're injured, because no matter how many times you tell them that you skipped 4.5+ ice times last weekend, that you rested all last week, and that you intend to rest all this week, all they will say is, "You're injured, you should rest."

HELLO! DID YOU LISTEN TO A SINGLE WORD I SAID?

Actually, yes. Two words, even. They heard "pulled something".

My aunt at least can tell you what I pulled (and then tell you based on her own experience years ago that I should be on crutches, even though I can walk, heck, run, without pain). My dad, on the other hand, knows only that I "pulled something". Why doesn't he know more? Because that phrase automatically triggered 50 variations (okay, slight exaggeration) of "you should rest".

*grumble*

• • •

I know, I know, they only do it 'cause they care, but it'd be nice if they weren't so good at selective hearing.

08:27 PM | Famidotes:PSA/NTS| Comments (0)

June 17, 2005 / Friday

Exercise Plan For Auntie

My mom just called to ask about my aunt.

M: How is she?
V: She's doing all right.
M: She should exercise more. She should hula.
V: You think she wants to hula?
M: You can have her to hula with you.
V: How am I going to do that?
M: If you tell her you're better, she'll want to beat you.
V: You want me to start a hula hooping competition with her?
M: Yes, she's very competitive.
M: When I scored a perfect score on her karaoke machine she practiced until she matched it.
M: Just go upstairs and tell her you're learning.
M: Don't outhula her too much the first day.
M: Then, each day, hula a little longer so she has a challenge.
V: Mom, you're funny.
M: You think it's a bad idea?
V: No, I just think you're funny.
M: Well, that's the plan, okay?
V: Um, sure.
M: Bye.

04:08 PM | Famidotes| Comments (8)

May 30, 2005 / Monday

Um, Bye?

My mom and aunt have a friend in town, and they left this morning to go have lunch with that friend. I'll have left for the airport by the time they return, so I got up early to say goodbye. When it came time for them to go, they waved, said goodbye, and ran off to the car.

I realize they were in a bit of a hurry, but what?? I don't get a hug?

Nope, that's mom for ya.

At least I got a goodbye. My grandmother took off after mahjong the other night without even telling me!

08:23 AM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

May 29, 2005 / Sunday

Hula!

Thanks to a little tip from mom, I can hula now.

Hoop, not dance.

Perhaps a little background would be appropriate. A couple years ago my mom started to hula hoop for exercise. Now, everyone at home does it. Mom hulas, dad hulas, sis hulas, my aunt from HK hulas, my cousin (her daughter) hulas too.

I was trying to work the upstairs hula hoop earlier, and failing miserably. Mom came over to show me how it's done.

V: You're the best hula hooper on the house, aren't you?
M: (smiling smugly) What do you think?

A discussion of her hula hooping prowess ensues.

M: I can stand like this (strikes stance), this (strikes another), or this (strikes a 3rd).
M: I can hold my arms like this (demonstrates), this (again), or this (and again).
M: I can even sing karaoke while I hula!
M: Someone has to hold the microphone cord for me, though.
V: (falls over laughing)
M: You're going to write about this in your journal, aren't you?

As a matter of fact, yes.

Hi mom.

09:07 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

They're Not Listening, La La La ...

TNL,LLL... 1
At lunch today, I ordered a beef stew noodle soup. It's a nonspicy dish that has a bit of reddish oil on top, and thus looks to have a lot more kick than it really does.

Mom, addressing me:

M: That soup looks spicy.
V: It's not spicy.
M: Aiya, so spicy.

Later, mom addresses my aunt:

M: Look at her soup, so spicy.
V: It's not one bit spicy!
M: She eats so spicy.
V: It's not spicy!
M: Really spicy.

TNL,LLL... 2
Also at lunch today, dad ordered a bunch of appetizers. One of them was shrimp-based. I'll eat shrimp, but if there are other people around I'll pass so others can enjoy it.

Dad, offering me a shrimpy spring roll:

D: Want one?
V: No thanks, I don't like shrimp.
D: You don't eat shrimp?
V: I do, but I generally prefer other things to (cooked) seafood.
D: You don't eat seafood?
V: I do eat seafood.
D: You must eat seafood, or you'll get sick!
V: I eat fish, dad.
D: You need to eat seafood often.
V: I eat a lot of sushi.
D: Not eating seafood is bad.

• • •

Just nod and smile, I tell myself.

04:48 PM | Famidotes| Comments (3)

May 28, 2005 / Saturday

Daughter #3

Mom's out late and Bobo is seriously bummed. She's waiting on the couch by the front door for her to return. Until then, no downstairs doggie bed, no upstairs doggie bed, no following me around the house for food (!).

No wonder Bobo's the favorite.

10:12 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

May 27, 2005 / Friday

<Ctrl><Alt><Del> / <k>

My sister's out with friends. Her computer is on, and mom decides to check her e-mail.

Moments later, I hear mom's voice coming from my sister's room.

"Waah! Ah [insert name here] is so fat!"
"Aiya! [insert name here] got so dark!"
"Tsahm lah! Fat and dark!"

I walk in and I see her flipping through pictures of my sister's friends.

"Why are you looking through Pauline's pictures?!" I ask.

"Oh," says mom, feigning ignorance/innocence, "I was trying to get online, and they were on the browser."

09:40 PM | Famidotes| Comments (2)

May 26, 2005 / Thursday

SisSP

We're waiting for my sister to get ready for lunch. I ask my mom where we're eating. Hong Kong Siu Sik, she tells me.

My sister comes downstairs.

"Where are we eating?"

I blank on the name. Chinese names are hard for me to remember.

"Uh ... something something something."

She pauses, then says,

"Hong Kong Siu Sik."

Sis is good.

09:00 AM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

May 24, 2005 / Tuesday

Question of the Day

Brownies: center, edge, or corner?

Sis and I baked brownies after dinner tonight. We gridded up the pan and chose our squares. I took a corner. Sis took a corner too.

We discussed the yumminess of edges and corners. Dad came in. We offered him a brownie and waited to see what he'd choose.

He looked the plate over and reached for a corner square.

He pulled off a bit of the crust and ate it. When he finished that, he picked up the entire corner. He started pulling off more brownie crust.

A little while later, he put the non-crust portion of the corner square back on the plate, declared that he was done, and left.

08:06 PM | Famidotes:Food:Question| Comments (14)

May 23, 2005 / Monday

Dumb And Mean

My mom just gave me a detailed set of specifications to which I should shape my brows in the future.

I don't like that shape, I told her, because it makes people look mean.

No, she said, it'll make me look smarter. Besides, my hair makes me look mean.

My hair? This wussy little bleached mop on my head?

Perhaps I should have kept the mohawk.

05:09 AM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

Chopstick Kung Fu

I'm eating instant noodles. Mom is watching.

"Why do you hold your chopsticks like THAT?" Mom inquires.

"Like what??" I reply, puzzled.

A chopstick skills competition ensues. She makes me pick up the noodle wrapper, dried noodle bits, a toothpick holder. You want ridiculous? I'll give you ridiculous. I pick up my Nalgene bottle.

She decides to go for form instead. She looks and compares my chopstick holding technique to her own. They're identical.

"It just doesn't look right."

"Sorry," I say, and continue eating.

"Your fingers are too long."

I hold up my hand and we compare. Our fingers are just about the same length.

"Your fingers are too skinny!"

I finish the noodles and start on the soup.

"Aiya! MSG water! Don't drink that!"

I grin, and finish the soup.

04:25 AM | Famidotes| Comments (4)

May 22, 2005 / Sunday

Pookie Has Won

The partying, the coming home drunk, the being rude to my parents, that started years ago. I used to joke that my sister had broken my parents.

Now her boyfriend gets to stay over.

That explains the little white flag flying outside my parent's room.

09:21 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

May 21, 2005 / Saturday

Wanted: Hyper Speed Rogaine

Auntie came downstairs this morning with a graduation present for my sister.

"You're going home with hair that short?"

I grinned, and told her I'd try to sprout a few extra inches before my flight tomorrow.

"You could wear a wig."

Yes, I could, but you know what she'd say if I went out and bought one?

"Waste of money!"

12:40 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

May 12, 2005 / Thursday

Deadly Domestic Mosquitos

While I was talking to my aunt yesterday, I noticed a mosquito flying around. I paused our conversation to track it, and when it briefly landed on my aunt's hand, I smacked it, leaving a squished insect and its still-fresh dinner on her knuckle.

When she realized the red stuff on her knuckle was blood, she exclaimed, "Aiya! AIDS!" And ran to go wash her hands.

10:29 AM | Famidotes| Comments (4)

May 04, 2005 / Wednesday

Bye Bye, Steelies

Sold my steelies for really cheap to a neighborhood high school kid (think Lowell) just now. He was totally adorable -- he took a quick look at the stack, gave me money, picked up the top wheel, and then, with a big grin on his face, waddled outside with it toward his friend's car, giddily exclaiming, "They're nice!"

After they left, my aunt came downstairs and said, "He was really happy with them. You must have sold them for cheap. Why are you throwing money away?"

I'm not throwing money away, I'm buying space.

*groan*

08:30 PM | Famidotes:GTI| Comments (8)

April 24, 2005 / Sunday

Squatting Is Bad For You

I squatted down to chat with my aunt the other day (she was sitting at the foot of the stairs), and the moment I did that, she told me it wasn't good. Not good? Turns out she meant it wasn't good for my health. What?!

Three reasons why women shouldn't squat, according to auntie:

1. It makes your calves cramp.
2. It gives you bunions.
3. It makes your uterus sag.

Wow.

09:32 PM | Famidotes| Comments (6)

March 28, 2005 / Monday

Pageant Hair Follow-up

Apparently, even after I get married, I'd still have to keep my hair long if I want a shot at the Mrs. World pageant.

My mom's always right. Siiigh.

09:03 PM | Famidotes:Hair| Comments (0)

March 27, 2005 / Sunday

Umbrellas In The Trunk

On the way out to pick up dinner, auntie searched all around the house for an umbrella.

"I think they're all in the trunk," she said.

Upon returning, I noticed a bright yellow Hilfiger compact umbrella on the table.

"Here's one!"

"But that's my nicest one. I don't want to use it."

She then went on to tell me that it was free: it had come with a handbag she bought on clearance for $7.99.

"It didn't even cost you anything. Why not use it?"

"Because I have all these other ones that are conference freebies. I think they're in the trunk."

08:50 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

March 25, 2005 / Friday

A Rare Weekday Conversation With Mom

My mom called me just now to chat ...

M: Women get more headaches because because they have long hair.
M: Men have short hair, and it dries faster.
M: Wet hair gives you headaches.
V: It's a good thing I have short hair, then!
*mom pauses*
M: Your hair's still really short?
V: Yes.
M: Long hair's not the *only* thing that causes headaches ...
M: Miss Hong Kong always has long hair.
M: And so does Miss America.
V: Don't worry, mom, I'm not planning to enter any beauty pageants.

And later ...

M: Where are you?
V: At work.
M: Oh! You had to work today!
V: Yup.
M: Oh! It's not a national holiday!
V: Nope.
M: Cell phone minutes!
V: Yup.
M: Bye!

And with that, she hung up.

04:51 PM | Famidotes:Hair| Comments (8)

March 08, 2005 / Tuesday

Fobby Hair

After finally seeing my new hair color(s), my aunt turned to the Chinese soap on TV, pointed at the guy with the standard-issue Chinese hair highlights, and said to me, "Why don't you color your hair like that?"

"Because it's fobby."

"What's fobby?"

I looked at her and blinked a few times.

"Oh."

09:04 PM | Famidotes:Hair| Comments (2)

February 20, 2005 / Sunday

Cell Phone Chinkiness

My aunt found out that San Francisco residents have to pay a couple extra fees on their cell phone bill: The SF City Wireless Utility Users Tax Surcharge ($2.63 on my bill) and the SF City 911 ($2.75). She called me to find out whether I had the same charges on my 650 number. Yes, I told her, I started having to pay those fees after I moved from Belmont. "Oh," she said, "okay, I'll just use someone else's address."

All that trouble just to save 5 bucks a month?

Yup, that's auntie for ya.

12:32 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

January 14, 2005 / Friday

It's Phrased Like A Question, But ...

A: When someone asks if you're happy at your job, it means they want to offer you one, right?
V: Sometimes.
A: No, I think it means they want to offer you one.
V: *blink* *blink*
V: You weren't really asking me a question, were you?

08:02 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

December 28, 2004 / Tuesday

Never Eat Boxed Chocolate From (Older) Chinese People

ixx_lxx2002: then mom will never let us keep the yummy chocolate that others brought us as gift
ixx_lxx2002: as mom wanna regift them to someone else
SoopahViv: :-D!
ixx_lxx2002: we can only keep the royal cookies
SoopahViv: yes!
SoopahViv: i remember that!
SoopahViv: omg
SoopahViv: us too!
SoopahViv: hahahaha
ixx_lxx2002: the big round blue can of cookies that's all we can have :P
SoopahViv: the funniest part was
SoopahViv: the chocolate was obviously regifted over and over already
SoopahViv: and sometimes, if you managed to open one before mom declared it a regift
SoopahViv: it'd have that old white fuzz over it

11:31 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

December 27, 2004 / Monday

Mattress Mania

When I moved in February, I wanted to give away my twin mattress. My aunt said, "No, don't get rid of a perfectly good mattress. I'll hang on to it." I moved it upstairs for her.

Now she wants me to take it back. I think she has multiple motives behind this, but I'll leave that speculatation up to you.

She's spent the entire weekend trying to convince me to use it. Friday night, she repeatedly dissed my futon mattress (among other things). Yeah, it hurts my back. I'll buy a better bed someday. She suggested the twin mattress. I refused. I'm not rearranging my place for that thing.

Yesterday morning, she came down to the garage and said, "Are you done yet? I was hoping we could move the mattress downstairs today." I reminded her that I didn't want it when she suggested it the night before. She retreated upstairs.

Tonight, she called and said, "I want to put the mattress downstairs in the hallway, and you can think about whether you want it or not, and if you don't, I'll call Sunset Scavengers."

I certainly didn't want to be staring at a mattress in the already-cluttered mattress-sized front hallway. "I don't want it," I said, "Why not give it away instead of throwing it away? I can put an ad on Craigslist."

"Because then you have to let a stranger in the house."

Siiigh.

Today at auntie-free dinner, we joked that if there was such a thing as mommy school, there would surely be a class, or perhaps an entire concentration, on how to be an Asian parent (or aunt!).

And this week, class, we'll learn about how to you can't trust anyone, especially if they don't speak Chinese. Once we get that down, we'll build on it with a unit on how everything you read in the newspapers, on the internet, and in mass-e-mailed forwards is true!

On an amusing side note, she came back from a party last night and complained that it was boring 'cause there were too many church people there.

12:00 AM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

December 24, 2004 / Friday

Christmas Eve Dinner #2

Just finished up dinner with the auntie. It was the usual mental, emotional (for me), and verbal sparring match. She managed to put me down about more things than I can remember. Ridiculous, silly things. Things like, I'm weird, because I wear a watch. WTF?! Does no one wear a watch anymore? I don't understand. Must be 'cause I'm stupid, or something.

I wrote up a couple auntiedotes, but they're not so much funny as they are sad and perhaps offensive to some. So, they're gone. Select, delete, and just like that, no more auntiedotes. Write me if you want to hear 'em.

11:21 PM | Famidotes| Comments (8)

December 09, 2004 / Thursday

Auntie Does PowerPoint

Auntie has a presentation tomorrow. She came by just now to do a run-through and get some advice.

A: Is there a way to start a slide show without going to "View" / "Slide Show"?
V: Yeah, just hit F5.
A: Does that mean "run" for everything?
V: No, just PowerPoint.
A: You don't use PowerPoint often.
V: Nope.
A: Waste of memory!

I protested. I pointed out that whenever I don't remember how to do something, she tells me I have a bad memory. I asked her what exactly I was supposed to be doing with my memory so as not to draw a negative comment from her. She changed the subject.

The slide show was ... interesting. Lots of animation in a total of about 10 slides. She clicked through it without saying anything, and when I asked her if she planned to say anything, she replied, "I'm going to tell them it will be a silent slide show. The slides are self explanatory."

50 people in a room, watching silent slides for 3 minutes. Sounds like fun.

09:56 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

November 18, 2004 / Thursday

Ah-HA! THAT'S What I'll Tell The Auntie!

From now on, the official Chinese relative story is that the birth control pills are for my knees.

Who comes up with these studies?!

11:47 PM | Famidotes| Comments (7)

Another Day, Another Mommydote

Got another start-of-the-workday phone call from my mom today.

M: Can you sell a stock for me?
V: Can't you do it over the phone?
M: They charge more commission if I do that.

If commission makes that big of a difference, perhaps she shouldn't be playing in the stock market.

09:07 AM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

November 17, 2004 / Wednesday

I Need To Learn Some Compassion

My mom just called me back to ask me how to spell "software quality assurance specialist".

And then she couldn't figure out what button to press on the form she was filling out to get to the next form.

It's all very frustrating to me, but I realize that this is extremely stressful to her. I need to just chill and help her out and not let it bother me.

How has she managed to live in the US for 21+ years with such poor english skills?

I need to go for a walk. I guess that's better than needing a run.

09:56 AM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

Happy F'in Wednesday

So I got into work, set up my speakers, was all ready to start my day, and my mom called.

At first, it was amusing.

M: If I set my phone on vibrate, will that damage it?
V: No, why would it damage it?
M: It shakes a lot, and I don't want it to shake itself broken.

But then, it transitioned into tech support. She had been waiting for a benefits e-mail from her new employer, and hadn't seen it yet. She asked me to log into her Yahoo! account to see for myself. I logged in, and the e-mail she'd been waiting for was sitting right there. Seven copies, in fact. One for each day of the week, including weekends, since last Thursday, each one telling her benefits forms were overdue, all of them unread.

V: Mom, the e-mail is there, seven times, unread.
M: I didn't see them.
V: You probably just thought they were spam.
M: They weren't there.
(wash, rinse, repeat several times)
V: MOM, I'M NOT LYING TO YOU. THEY'RE IN YOUR INBOX.
M: I didn't see them.
V: JESUS [*#(*$&@] CHRIST!

V: What's your work e-mail? I'll forward you the message.
M: I don't know.

My head feels like it's going to blow up. This is highly unproductive.

09:40 AM | Famidotes| Comments (9)

November 15, 2004 / Monday

Brain In Knots

My aunt was at her best tonight, in her attempts to either (1) shoot down everything I said or (2) make me feel like crap. Maybe both. I hadn't had dinner with her in a while and I thought I'd eat with her and catch up a bit. That'll be the last time I do that in a while.

I *think* she says what she says in an attempt to mold me into a little version of her. I know she believes that's better for me.

A couple examples from tonight.

Example 1
V: I'm going to Safeway. Do you need anything?
A: Why are you going to Safeway?
V: I need to pick up some fabric softener.
A: You can get that cheaper at Target!
V: Yeah, but I can buy other things I need if I go to Safeway.
A: Waste of money!

Example 2
*A looks at stacks of pennies and quarters on my desk*
A: Why do you have those there?
V: I'm spending my way through the pennies and I'm saving the quarters for laundry.
A: Why not take all the pennies to spend at once?
V: Because I don't want a pocket full of change.
A: *I* have a change purse.
V: I figure I'll eventually work through them.
A: Waste of space!

We also went back and forth about pay parking and subscription services. Knowing full well that I haven't subscribed to Tivo or to satellite radio, despite my having wanted both for over a year, she still tried to shoot me down for ... wanting the services! WTF?!

At one point, I actually said to her, "Do you truly believe everything that you say all the time?"

She said yes. And she meant it.

Scary.

Sucks that I just ate. I really need a run right now.

08:20 PM | Famidotes| Comments (6)

October 18, 2004 / Monday

I Know She Doesn't Mean To Rile ...

I think one of the ways my aunt shows that she cares about me is by telling me to go to bed starting at 10 PM, because it's late, and I have to work tomorrow, and apparently I'm not grown up enough to know when I should go to bed.

Well, actually, I do stay up too late, precisely because I'm really bad at going to bed when I should.

Anyway, auntie's back from Boston. Let the auntiedotes continue!

10:04 AM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

October 09, 2004 / Saturday

While The Auntie's Away ...

I'll clean the garage!

I *think* it's better than it was before. At the very least, I came across the following gems:

Gem 1

The garage shelf, baskets, and shoerack need V8!

Gem 2

Notice that it says "RAT TRAP" on the thing, not "mouse trap". Size 8 1/2 beater sneaker shown for scale reference.

I really, really hope that trap was purchased out of paranoia, and not need.

Gem 3

Roller Derby skates, like new, box and everything!

I'm trying to picture my aunt skating around in these things, and I just can't.

03:48 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

September 15, 2004 / Wednesday

You're Not Going to Believe This Auntiedote

So my aunt did her yearly "Do you have any contact lens solution receipts?" thing to me over dinner tonight. She does this every year, since she almost always puts too much money into her flexible spending account. "No," I said, "I don't keep all my receipts anymore because my OCD is better now." I mentioned that I should have put money into my flexible spending account this year, a good six or seven hundred dollars.

Auntie was shocked. "Why?" she asked.

I explained that my dental insurance covered only 80% of my wisdom teeth removal. She wanted to know about the rest of the money.

Trying to avoid yet another awkward BCP discussion, I said, "I have a prescription to fill every month."

She wanted to know what for. Oh great, this again.

"Birth control pills," I replied.

"Aiya! So bad for you!"

Silence.

Finally, she said, "Can't you use condoms?"

I nearly spat out my dinner. Holy shit, my aunt just broke the age old (surrogate) Chinese parent rule of thereisnosuchthingassex.

That, and she said "condom". My aunt, who has to whisper words like "sex" and "lesbian" (and would never ever dare to use those two words in the same sentence), said "condom".

Hello, is the world still spinning?

Anyway, we then entered into a lengthy discussion about the other benefits of taking birth control, which, not surprisingly, resulted in her declaring that there was something wrong with me, because she has always been regular, and naturally so. Yes, oh my god, I'm so imperfect. How have I managed to survive twenty six whole years like this?

Must be those pills I keep taking.

09:22 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

August 29, 2004 / Sunday

Auntiedotey-dote

From yesterday, actually.

- Where were you today?
- Oh, I went to the Snell testing facility.
- What's that?
- They test helmets, for motorcycles, auto racing, bicycles ...
- Who'd you go with?
- Some hockey and motorcycle folks.
- Were there lesbians there?
- What does THAT have to do with anything?!

That pissed me off, so I decided to rile her up a little.

- Hey, guess where I was last night.
- Where?
- At a dyke bar.
- What's that?

Okay, so that didn't have quite the intended effect. Dammit.

That reminds me of an amusing quote from Friday night. A few of us were talking about how I wasn't going to find a cute boy where we were. Someone then piped up with, "You might find a girl who looks like cute boy, though!" Ha!

08:21 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

August 25, 2004 / Wednesday

Not Quite An Auntiedote

I just had quite the blogworthy conversation with my aunt about:

(1) homosexuals (a common one, since we differ so widely on the issue)
(2) how to pick a good motorcycle (yes, you read that correctly)

She spoke with such authority on both issues, but especially the second one. I don't claim to be an expert on either, but man, she was spewing arguments at me left and right about things she knew *absolutely* nothing about. I'm still in such shock that I'm not quite sure how to write about it.

On the upside, she made me a yummy soft tofu (one step up from silken tofu) dish and enough potatoes to last me for days. Thanks, auntie, for the grub and for the, uh, interesting conversation.

10:25 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

August 11, 2004 / Wednesday

Auntie's Two Cents On My Upcoming Wisdom Teeth Extraction

I'm getting all four wisdom teeth removed next week. Auntie wanted to know why I didn't want to split that up into two removals.

I'd bet everything I own (and more) that if I'd scheduled two separate appointments, she'd want to know why I didn't just get all four done at once.

12:04 AM | Famidotes:Wisdom Teeth| Comments (0)

August 01, 2004 / Sunday

That's More Like It, Mom!

Today, my mom asked me about the state of my hair, and whether I was going to grow it out. "Girls look better with long hair," she proclaimed. Thank you, mom. I was wondering when you were going to say that. Oh, look, the world's starting to spin again. Global crisis averted!

11:39 AM | Famidotes:Hair| Comments (0)

July 19, 2004 / Monday

Hair Too Short, Calves Too Big: An Auntiedote

auntie stares at my calves
- What? Are you looking at the scratch?
- No, your legs got big.
- Big? My legs aren't big.
- They used to be skinnier. Now you have this muscle.
- But that's good. It helps me jump higher and skate faster.
- That's not normal.
- Sure it is. Muscles grow when you work them.
- No, I mean, that's not how you were born.
- No, I was born with really short calves.
makes "4 inch" gesture with fingers
- That's not what I mean! Your calves aren't natural.
- Well, it's not as if I have artificial calf implants or anything!
- Most people don't like calves like that. They like calves shaped like mine.
gestures to her own skinny muscleless calves

Okay, what else is wrong with me? I can't wait to find out what's next.

12:23 AM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

July 04, 2004 / Sunday

Question of the Day

Why do Chinese people store food in the microwave?

It's not a fridge!

Speaking of microwaves ...

Word of the Day

ding

The dents you get in your car when lame-Os open their door into yours? The sound of a bell being rung? Here's a new one:

Verb meaning "to microwave". Equivalent to "nuke" in the microwave sense.

Usage example:
Gnoh ding goh joong bay lay sik ah.

Usage example translation:
I ding a joong for you to eat.

My mom said she picked this up from her friends. She says it's because that's the sound the microwave makes to signal that it's done cooking. I wonder if this word is making its way across the country. "Ding" alert for my West coast Asian readers: listen for it when you visit your parents!

02:50 PM | Famidotes:Question:Word| Comments (0)

June 23, 2004 / Wednesday

And The Auntiedotes Return!

I'm spending a lot more time at home these days. More time at home means more time with the auntie. Here's tonight's episode:

auntie calls my name from outside my door
- Yeah?
- Come drink soup!

I was feeling lazy and didn't want to cook, so I headed upstairs for soup. I took a sip, and went for the salt.

- Aiyah! So salty!
I say nothing
- You eat so salty!

Auntie goes back to watching her Chinese soap opera. At the next commercial break, she comes into the kitchen and starts inspecting me. I'm sitting there in my gym clothes having soup, like a good little niece.

auntie sighs
- I don't know why you have to keep your hair like that.
- It's different. Besides, it's temporary.
auntie inspects my tank top
- That's not good.
- What?
- Your shirt.
- I'm in my gym clothes.
- Oh. I thought you wore that to work.
- Are you kidding me?
auntie looks me over some more
- Your left arm is bigger.
- Actually, my right arm is bigger. My left arm is more defined.
- Why do you want that?!
- It's not by choice!
- It's not?
- Of course not! I'm right handed and I grew up playing tennis.
- Other people who go to the gym aren't imbalanced.
shrug
- There's nothing I can do about it.
- Maybe you should lift more with your left arm, oh, no, LESS with your right arm!
- Lifting is all about control and balance. I can't lift different weights.
auntie continues to examine and make faces at my imbalanced arms

Fortunately, her soap opera came back from commercial break. I finished my soup and bolted before the next one.

I never would have figured out on my own that I'm an imbalanced funny-haired salt monster. Thanks, auntie!

08:20 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

June 12, 2004 / Saturday

Kind Of An Auntiedote

So my aunt came downstairs today and declared that I should not keep my hair short because people might think I'm *gasp* gay.

"So?" I asked, annoyed that she said that in an "I shouldn't say this word" whisper.

Well, she said, maybe I should wait 'til I get married first.

I blinked at her a few times, and, since it's her birthday and I'm supposed to be nice, I told her I was hoping to find a matching pufferfish mate and left it at that.

But what I thought was ...

1. I'm not actively seeking a husband.

2. I'm not actively seeking anyone to date, for that matter. I haven't been single single for a while and I've forgotten what that's like. There are pluses to single singlehood, and I'd like to enjoy them while I can!

3. I don't think I want to be with anyone who doesn't think my Lisa Simpson / pufferfish head is cool. No, seriously, guys with a long hair requirement probably won't jibe so well with my hockey playing, motorcycle riding, car obsessing, tech geeky, I-want-to-play-every-sport-and-kick-everyone's-ass-at-it self anyhow. So there.

Okay, back to bug fixing my hockey team's website. I don't think anyone else knows those bugs are there, but I do, and they're bugging me (hey, I think I'm on to something here), so I have to go fix them.

01:31 PM | Famidotes:Hair| Comments (0)

March 27, 2004 / Saturday

Ooh, An Auntiedote!

Nothing crazy, just something funny. We were having an extended chat down in my place just now, and after covering everything from brakes to posture to allergies, she all of a sudden said, "Oh! What time is it? Tonight's the figure skating championships! I hope I didn't miss it!" and ran upstairs.

10:27 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

March 24, 2004 / Wednesday

Chinese Mother Craziness In A Movie!

I remember when The Joy Luck Club came out everyone told me to watch it. I never did, until tonight. Holy moly, it's a movie full of unintentionally disapproving Chinese mothers and screwed up American-raised Chinese daughters! My screwed up-edness doesn't seem so hard to deal with all of a sudden. Well, except for the fact that my aunt acts as a second unintentionally disapproving Chinese mother. In fact, I was watching scene after scene of daughters confronting their mothers about how screwed up they are by the constant disapproval and I thought, "Huh, I had that talk with my aunt three weeks ago!"

That's kind of screwed up.

10:17 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

February 29, 2004 / Sunday

Crash Test Barbies Game 14

We won! We won! More importantly, our goalie got her first win with this team!

Final score: 3-1. Our team even scored two of those three goals! The other goal was a goof by the other team's D: she was trying to send the puck around and somehow shot it into her own goal. Oops.

I almost got me a goal, and then I got me a goal.

On my almost goal, I took the puck and actually skated it along the boards past the defender and cut left to go in front of the goal. Somewhere around there another defender decided to flatten me, and my last-ditch backhand attempt on the far side of the goal slid wide by inches. Drat.

Later, in the third period, everything came together for my line. Little Doris somehow managed to tie up two or three of their defenders in front of the net. G, our center, had the puck behind the net. She went to her right, then to her left. I kept repositioning to give her a good pass up to me in the slot. And then the pass came. Wiiide open net! Good job Doris and G! Yeah!

It took me an hour to drive from Fremont back to my new place in San Francisco, and this was with no traffic. I'm thinking about joining a weeknight league in San Jose. So much driving! Why can't my hockey peeps play in San Francisco?

I'll wrap up with a short auntiedote. It's a good example of the absolutely negatively unproductive things she says to ... I don't know ... put me down?

- You don't spend much time on the ice. How is that fun?
- We skate hard so we play short shifts.
- I didn't see you on the ice much that one game I watched.
- I was probably on a third of the time.
- No, it was definitely less than that.
- Well, okay, it might have been. Some days I'm tired.
- That doesn't seem fun at all.

This is the part where I need to just end it with, "Well, gosh, it's a good thing you don't play hockey, then, because you wouldn't have any fun out there!"

Instead, I opted to get on her nerves a little by telling her how much I spend on hockey every year. Wasting money on something unfun. Oh, the horror.

08:09 PM | Crash Test Barbies:Famidotes| Comments (0)

February 27, 2004 / Friday

What On Earth Is The Auntie Smoking?!

The auntie tried to argue today that her neighborhood, 1 block from Ocean Beach, with what I believe is low-income housing on the corner, was a safer neighborhood than mine.

I live in Belmont. The last time I checked there wasn't anyone hanging out of a Belmont low-income housing building threatening to kick my ass.

"I would feel safer walking down a street in San Francisco at night than one in Belmont."

Uh, okay. I wouldn't.

05:08 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

Shorts Make You Bruise: An Auntiedote

- Why are you wearing shorts? Look at your legs! All those bruises!
- I'm moving things around and shorts help me stay cool.
- But you'll bruise more easily!
- You're saying pants will keep me from bruising?!
- It's another layer!
- Its not a very cushioned layer.
*makes face*

For the record, I have an amazingly low count of one bruise on my leg at the moment, and it's not even a very dark one. She must have been mistaking my knee-surgery-on-a-rock scar for a bruise.

02:29 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

February 26, 2004 / Thursday

Broadband! Yeah!

Hellooo high speed internet! The cable guy who came by to do it was rad. Turns out he's from MA/NY ... moved here in 1995 to go to Berkeley. Sound familiar? Majored in math, had med school aspirations, and got waitlisted at UCSF for 3 years. When they finally told him they had a spot for him he decided he didn't want to go back to school. It's amazing what paths people take in life.

We had wiring and weather problems initially, and he was going to just reschedule my install. I asked him to at least hook me up inside while he was here. He did, and when he was done the weather cleared up, so he could do what he needed to outside. My aunt was watching him like a hawk the whole time. I kept telling her not to, and she was just standing there, following him from room to room, watching, watching, complaing about how he was wiring things. I kept waiting for her to leave so I could apologize for my aunt's behavior. Finally, she went upstairs to go get something. Before I could say a word, he said, "Man, she's totally watching everything I'm doing!" Yeah, I said, and that's how she is about everything in my life.

He's coming back when I'm more settled in to fix some wiring aesthetics. I told my aunt to expect to see him back, and she said, "Yeah, good thing I was watching him, or else he'd have just left it crappy." Wow.

12:32 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

February 25, 2004 / Wednesday

Home Improvement Monkey

I swear, my aunt must have hired the cheapest possible contractor and bought the cheapest possible materials when she had her in-law unit put together. Oh, and let's not forget stupid. The contrator guy was most definitely some notable degree of stupid. The floor's not level, the fridge door opens away from the rest of the kitchen, the shower door opens on the side where you have to squeeze your way in, the closet door doesn't slide along its rail, and the bathroom drawer doesn't close all the way because it bumps into the piping. I must fix all of this (and anything else I find wrong) before I move in, or it will drive me crazy.

My aunt says I'm too picky. I replied with, "What the hell was wrong with your tenants?!" Well, minus that little bit about hell.

Cable internet guy comes this afternoon. Let's hope my next post is from my new place!

10:42 AM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

February 24, 2004 / Tuesday

Fishing For Auntiedotes

Not that there's a dearth of auntiedotes these days, but I just had an evil thought. She likes to (or used to like to) get me riled up with her verbal jabs, so why not rile her up here and there for some blog fodder?

So my evil thought was, I'd ask her about her stance on gay marriage. I bet I'd be able to get her to eek about how the whole world's going to die of AIDS. Five minutes, or your money back.

I have to take her to the doctor tomorrow morning. Maybe I'll ask her then.

I've purposely not blog ranted my thoughts on gay marriage thus far. There's too much to write about, and I'd be preaching to my reader choir anyway (at least I hope that'd be the case). Let's just say there would be a lot of yays for certain individuals and a lot of rarrs for certain other individuals. I think you all can guess who would get which.

I'll leave it at that. Oh, and if you don't happen to read Naomi's blog, she made a great suggestion last week. Screw this whole "marriage" thing. Let's go with "civil unions" instead. That's the best idea I've heard all year!

07:01 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

February 20, 2004 / Friday

Auntiedote of the Day

The auntie doesn't think I should waste money on broadband when I move in downstairs.

- What was that you said about cable internet and DSL?
- I said I'd get one or the other, depending on the TV situation and price.
- But I have internet through my work.
- You have dialup. It's not the same.
- Yes, but you can save your money.
- But then I won't have a fast connection.
- You have that at work.
- I need that at home.
- You can get to the internet on your (cell) phone.
- That's not the same! That's as useful as dialup!
- Sure it is, you can check your e-mail.
- I do more than check my e-mail. (I blog about our conversations, hahaha.)
- You shouldn't be on your computer if you spend all day on one at work.
- But I do computer stuff for fun.
- Eagh.

Usually my auntiedotes do a good job of showing who the wacky one is, but this auntiedote has me wondering just a wee bit whether the wacky one is me (I know, it should be "I", but that sounds funny!).

Well, at least I do other stuff for fun, too.

06:19 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

February 16, 2004 / Monday

Auntiedote of the Night

I just called my aunt to check up on her.

- How are you feeling?
- I'm still dizzy.
- Didn't you take that dizziness medication they gave you?
- No, it makes me drowsy.
- Aren't you in bed all day anyway?
- Yes, but I can't sleep.
- So then why not take the medication so you aren't dizzy and can sleep?
- I don't want to take their drugs.

So she's dizzy and can't sleep and still can't eat much, and even though she can just take the meds and feel less dizzy and nauseated, she refuses. I didn't realize she had such old school Chinese attitudes toward Western medicine. I suppose I should have, since my mom's the same way.

I'm having eldery parent and aunt medical nightmares as I type. Erf!

11:20 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

ER Wrapup

After 3 liters (I think) of IV drip and a several doses of various intravenous drugs, my aunt was finally released from the ER just before 6 this morning. We loaded her into my car and I drove her home.

A couple auntiedotes for you ...

Auntiedote 1: 6 AM Sunday on the phone.
- I can't eat and need sugar. Bring me donuts.
- Donuts are fatty. How about some juice and bananas?
- No, I want donuts.
- I think you need Gatorade.

Auntiedote 2: 2 AM Monday morning at the ER after the antinausea meds kicked in.
- I want takeout. Chow fun or chow mein.
- You should have Gatorade and Jello.
- I want something salty.
- Saltines, then. Nothing greasy.
- Mmmph. I don't like Saltines. *makes face*

If you haven't noticed by now, I didn't get to sleep for 25+ hours. That might be a new record for me.

I had a revelation about the ER: That place is like a car dealership. They stick you in a room, work with you a bit, make you wait a looong time, come back to check on you, make you wait another looong time, repeat, rinse, repeat, etc.

People with flus: Drink your fluids! Your loved ones will appreciate it.

Another thing about the ER: There are a lot of stinky people there. Go figure.

There were a couple of street kids there and they were hungry. One of them bummed 54 cents off of me while I was on the phone and distracted. I felt bad for them and bought them some food from the vending machines down in the cafeteria when I saw them later.

My aunt was in a split room, and around 1 AM I got to talking with the daughter of the patient in the other half of the room. Turns out she's a competitive power lifter. You wouldn't have been able to tell from just looking at her, though; she weighs 114 lbs. Amazingly, she squats around 360 lbs, dead lifts something like 340 lbs, and, if I remember correctly, bench presses 160 lbs. She's smaller than most of the girls I know, and yet stronger than all of the guys I know. Wow.

I'm tired today, but at least I got something out of my visit. I finally learned how to do squats properly. Woop.

02:41 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

January 29, 2004 / Thursday

More Auntiedotes

I've been asked by some of you to post more of my conversations with my aunt and my mom. Those of you who asked, you do realize that I have to suffer through the conversations before I can write about them, right? Yes, it's dangerous work, but somebody has to do it.

Here's one from this afternoon:

- Do you still go to those rave parties?
- No, not anymore.
- Good. I heard there were a lot of people with AIDS there.
- I can't catch AIDS from the air!
- Yeah, but they sweat, and then they can bump into you.

05:41 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

January 04, 2004 / Sunday

So Long, Boston

I'm boarding my flight in about half an hour. Barring any tragedies, I don't expect to be back here for a while. I stepped off the plane on Tuesday standing 5'6", and right now I feel about 2 inches tall. I'm not quite sure what my mom did with the 64 inches she chopped off. I hope it grows back in about a week or so. I intend to keep everything I regenerate. Thus, no more visits back home in the forseeable future.

I was a little sad when I said goodbye to my grandfather earlier this afternoon. His health is failing him and I really don't know if I'll make it back before he's gone for good. I feel a little selfish for thinking this. I feel like I'm putting myself ahead of my grandfather's life. But on the other hand, I have to watch out for my emotional and mental health. I don't think I can stand to spend more than 5 days here every year or so. Even 5 days was hard.

I was sad saying goodbye to the other members of my family, too. You never know what's going to happen. My grandmother, my mom, my dad, my sister ... I fully expect to see them all again, but thinking about my grandfather made me realize that there's a chance something might happen to one of them in that time, too. I hope not.

Family aside, I got to see a few people I hadn't seen in a while, and didn't get to see a couple people I'd hoped to see. 5 days is never long enough to see everyone, but until I have enough money to put myself up in a hotel for 2 weeks, or unless my mom all of a sudden stops making me feel like lower than dirt twice a day, 5 days is already pushing it.

When my parents dropped me off at the airport, my mom said she might come to visit. I was happy to hear that I'd see her again, yet all of a sudden I felt really stressed. I'm not looking forward to her knocking me down on my own turf.

Earlier today, I was thinking about my mom and how she and my aunt are always talking to each other, swapping ideas with each other, and sharing with each other slightly inaccurate versions of every detail they know about my life. I had a horrifying thought about the day I buy my house, should I decide to settle in the Bay Area. My aunt would ask to see it, and she would then proceed to point out all of the things she thought were wrong with it, and then she would say that I paid too much for it, and that I didn't know how to bargain, and that I didn't know how to manage my money, and that I was stupid.

I decided this week that I'm done talking to my mom and my aunt about details of my life. They never have anything good to say about what I tell them, and what they say won't change what I do anyway. The less they know, the less they can say to cut me down. Not that they mean to cut me down, but whether they mean to or not, I can do without it.

I told my mom during one of her cutdown sessions that every time I leave Boston my self-esteem is close to nonexistent. She replied that she thought I was doing very well, that she was very happy with how I turned out, that I do a good job of balancing my life and taking care of myself, and that there wasn't much more she could ask for. So why, then, does she keep telling me night and day about all the things I'm doing wrong? I'm not perfect, and she shouldn't expect me to be. She knows that nobody's perfect. She says so herself. I don't fucking understand.

05:08 PM | Famidotes:Trips| Comments (0)

All This Blogging Is Weighing On My Mind

I had a dream last night that my mom and my aunt found out about my blog. I kept trying to get online before they did so I could change my blog address. Perhaps I should stop blogging about them.

But then I'd go crazy, and that wouldn't be so good either.

12:23 AM | Dreams:Famidotes| Comments (0)

January 03, 2004 / Saturday

More Mother Anecdotes

Mom, 3 days ago, holding a can of some Chinese supermarket food ...

- Take some with you to California.
- It's too heavy, mom.

Mom, 2 days ago, with a stack of old audio tapes ...

- Take these tapes to your aunt.
- Okaaay.

Mom, 1 day ago, in the kitchen ...

- Let me cook some extra for you to take back to California.
- No thanks, it won't pack well.

Mom, today, at the mall ...

- Don't buy anything, you'll have to carry it on the plane!

WTF?!

08:36 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

January 02, 2004 / Friday

A Neat Little Group View of the World

My mom groups people. She groups them based on their nationality. She groups them based on their skin color. She groups them based on their religion. When she groups someone, that person all of a sudden takes on all of the stereotypical traits of that group.

A few anecdotes from the last couple days ...

1. My sister's talking about how one of her managers seems to discriminate against her black coworkers.

P: My manager never lets my black coworkers work the register.
M: That's because black people are lazy and can't be trusted.
V: You can't say about every black person. Besides, there are plenty of lazy Asians too!
M: But Chinese people are smart and hardworking. They're good at math. Of course the manager would trust them more! I just read in the newspaper about this one town where they had 5 perfect SAT scores and the kids were all going to Harvard and 4 of them are Asian!

2. My mom is talking about one of her former coworkers, and she keeps referring to him as "the Jewish guy". She does this a lot ("the black guy", "the Indian guy", "the gay guy", etc.), and it bugs the crap out of me. I try to hint to her that I would rather she refer to him by his name, like she does with her Chinese friends.

V: Mom, does this guy have a name?
M: Feldman.
V: No, mom, I was asking for his first name!
M: (in a why does his first name matter manner) Oh ... uh ... Marshall.

Now some of you may think that my mom's system would break down if there were more than one Jewish guy or black guy or Indian guy or gay guy in a story. As it turns out, her grouping system allows for subgroups. In that case, there would be a fat Jewish guy and a skinny Jewish guy, or a tall black guy and a short black guy. Why these people can't have names, I don't know.

3. I'm having lunch with one of my former coworkers and my mom wants to ask about it.

M: You're having lunch with your coworker, right? The one who married the Portugese lady?

And then this morning, when she couldn't remember what city I was driving to.

M to D: She's driving to ... that city ... the one where all the Portugese people live.

You think this is nuts? This is lighthearted blog fodder. You shoulda heard tonight's "discussion". *grumble*

11:34 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

December 30, 2003 / Tuesday

And The Chinese Relative Anecdotes Begin

I expect to post quite a few of these in the next few days ...

Last Thursday:
A: You're flying to Boston Tuesday morning? Why not take a red-eye and spend the day with the family?
V: Because I can't sleep on planes and I'll end up sleeping all day Tuesday. Plus, I don't want to be tired 'cause I'll get sick more easily.
A: What a waste of Tuesday.

This morning:
A: It's so early! Why don't you take a later flight?
V: Because I don't want to waste the whole day. I'll arrive early enough to have dinner with everyone.
A: But you didn't get enough sleep and now you'll get sick easily.

WTF?! Is there no aunt-approved flight I can take to Boston?

07:10 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

December 07, 2003 / Sunday

Just Can't Win

I'm in my car, aunt in the passenger seat, waiting to cross a busy road.

A: Why don't you just take a right and turn at a light?
V: Because I did that last time and you asked why I couldn't just go straight.

Apparently there's no correct way for me to get across that road. Siiigh.

02:49 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

December 01, 2003 / Monday

My Mom Needs To Go To Bed

It's 1:30 AM back home and she just called. I guess it was urgent.

M: I just saw this great infomercial for a CD-ROM. It shows you how to use all these programs on the computer. I want to buy you one.
V: Uh, no mom, that's okay.
M: But this is really easy. You can choose what programs you want to learn.
V: Mom, if I want to learn something I'll buy a book.
M: But this makes it easier. Do you know how to use Outlook? Or Lotus? What about Access?
V: Yes, mom, I do.
M: Word? Excel? Access? You know Access?
V: Yes, and if I want to learn something in depth I'd buy a book.
M: But it's cheap, and it's easy. You'll need it for interviews.
V: If they're going to ask me technical questions the answer's not going to be on a CD like this, mom.
M: Access! They have Access!
V: Mom, do you even know what Access is?
M: It's a program. You can choose what you want to learn!
V: No thanks, mom. I already know how to use those applications.
M: Okay, I'll just buy it for myself.
V: Mom, why aren't you in bed?
M: Your dad wasn't feeling well and I was watching the infomercial and then all of a sudden half an hour had passed!

And then, before I could get her to go to bed:

M: Did you get my e-mail?
V: Yes, I did.
M: Be careful at ATMs. I could put one somewhere and mount a camera and steal your number wh--
V: I know, mom, but I only use BofA ATM machines so it's okay.
M: And sometimes people will try to steal your card, too!
V: I know, mom.
M: Be careful when you go to an ATM at night. There are more people out at night who will want to steal your card.
V: That's why I don't go to the ATM at night.
M: Your dad's always going to the ATM.
V: You know what, mom? I don't use the ATM. I only use credit cards, so don't worry.
M: Oh, okay. Good night.

I just know that she's going to warn me about how people are going to steal my credit card number someday. Maybe they'll do it by installing a camera behind my seat and read off the screen when I shop online.

That reminds me, I need to go to the ATM.

10:44 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

November 08, 2003 / Saturday

Chatting With The Aunt: Car Logic (Or Lack Thereof)

If I drive my car a lot, i.e. commute from SF to SM for work or take it to Tahoe: You're putting so many miles on your car! Think about depreciation! You're losing money!

If I ride my motorcycle instead of driving my car: You bought a car and now you're not driving it. What a waste of money. That's so stupid. I don't get you.

Well, I don't get her, either.

12:41 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

November 07, 2003 / Friday

Chatting With Mom Again 1: You Want Me To Live Where?

- Let us help you buy a condo in California!
- No, mom, it's okay.

Ten minutes later ...

- Come back to live in Boston!

Um, ten minutes ago you wanted me to buy a place in California.

Chatting With Mom Again 2: You're Not Listening, Are You?

- Do you have enough spending money?
- Yes, mom, I do.
- You said you needed a vacation. Do you need money for it?
- No, mom, I have enough. Besides, if I went on vacation I'd pay for it myself.
- Are you sure? You said you needed a vacation.
- I do need a vacation.
- Well do you need help paying for it?
- Mom, I'm okay, really!
- Do you need us to get you a plane ticket to come home?
- I have frequent flyer miles!
- If you need money just ask.
- Mom, I'm fine!
- I'm just saying, if you need money ...
- Aurgh!

Chatting With Mom Again 3: I'm Saving TOO MUCH Money?!

- Why did you want to borrow money to buy your car?
- Because I didn't want to drain my savings.
- Did you not have enough?
- I did, but I didn't want to have no savings left.
- You had enough to cover the car?
- Yes.
- What are you doing with so much money in savings?!
- I'm saving it. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?
- But you're only 25! You're not supposed to have that much money saved!

What?! You'd think that'd be the one thing I was doing right, but apparently not! Perhaps it's time for some new suspension and some nice rims.  

02:41 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

November 06, 2003 / Thursday

Chatting With Mom 1: The Aunt

It's okay for your aunt to nag you and tell you what you're doing is wrong. You two just see the world differently, and she's only doing this because she cares about you. If you knew I was doing something that you thought was wrong you'd tell me, right? Besides, you can listen and just not do what she says.

Thanks mom. I'll be sure to not do what she says.

Chatting With Mom 2: Soup

You haven't had much soup lately, have you? I brought you up to drink soup. How did you turn out the way you did?

It seems that soup is this grand magical thing that all Chinese people must have in order to live a long and healthy life. At my current rate my mom estimates that I'll shrivel up and die before I reach 40.

I told her that Doug made bean soup the other day and she said that beans don't count. Huh.

10:28 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

October 15, 2003 / Wednesday

Stereotyped!

It upsets me just a little bit that my family fits so neatly into what now appears to be a stereotypical nagging Chinese female relatives and formerly angry but now understanding Chinese father dynamic.

But yeah, my father used to be all angry and stuff too! We'd fight and fight night after night (whoo, I rhymed!) until I moved out for college and realized that we used to fight and fight because we were exactly alike (whoo, I rhymed again!).

Coincidentally, my dad likes to wander around Stop & Shop (it's the Safeway of Boston) when the weather's bad and he can't golf. That is too weird. Maybe Chinese dads get some sort of handbook. 35 years old, be all angry and belligerent. 50 years old, mellow out and be the good guy for when mom hits menopause. Also at 50, start wandering supermarkets and department stores.

Huh.

05:29 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

I'm Not Alone!

OMG! It's not just me! Yesssss! Not that I'm glad that you have to deal with the same. Well, I mean, I'm glad but I'm not, ya know? Uh ... yeah.

I, too, get howmuchrentareyoupaying and areyousavingmoney a lot. There's also plenty of haveyoufoundanewjobyet, haveyougottenaraiseyet, whenareyougoingtobuyahouse, rentisawasteofmoney, stopwastingtimeonyourcar, and aiyamotorcyclesaredangerous. Finances seem to be the aunt's territory.

The mom likes whenareyougettingmarried, iwantgrandkids, and haveyoutalkedtoyourauntlately. The correct answer to haveyoutalkedtoyourauntlately is yes, and I'd better have done it sometime in the last week. Otherwise the mom will spring a remembershe'syouronlyfamilyincalifornia on me.

The grandmother, who, fortunately for me, does not have my phone number and has no idea what is going on in my life, prefers doyouhaveaboyfriend, doyoumakemorethanmyfriends'grandkids, and iwouldreallyliketohavegreatgrandchildrenbeforeidie.

I think maybe they circulate a list to make sure all bases are covered.

Speaking of circulate, I have proof that they do all sit around calling each other several times a week to talk about you (or me, at least). The problem is they have either bad memories or bad hearing because by the time the initially leaked tidbit of information gets back to me it's distorted beyond recognition ... and the worst part is, the distorted tidbit is what I get nagged about!

My dad, however, is great. He gets his initial "motorcycles are dangerous" out of the way and follows with "I would like to visit and drive your car and ride your motorcycle some day." I think it's his way of saying, "Sounds like you're having fun. I want to come visit. Your mother is driving me crazy."

Sure dad, come play. Let's send auntie back east to keep mom company.

03:25 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

October 14, 2003 / Tuesday

#1 Niece, Eh?

Wait, so my aunt makes me feel like crap because I'm her #1 niece?

You're right, the last time I pissed her off she left me alone and I felt like I was on top of the world. I have to say this all seems a little backward.

Maybe she was just waiting for me to call and apologize so she could make me feel like crap about it before she moved on to other crappy things.

Gosh, it's tough being #1.

02:27 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

September 07, 2003 / Sunday

Is it true that in

Is it true that in the standard Chinese family the role of your relatives is to criticize your every move and make you feel like crap?

Excuse me, I have to go to the gym now.

And after that I have to go play hockey.

If my wrist wasn't hurting so much I'd seriously consider hunting down a heavyweight punching bag.

12:10 PM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

April 21, 2003 / Monday

Looks like my sister and

Looks like my sister and I both had fun conversations with the auntie this weekend. Here's mine.

The Auntie (a.k.a. Yee Yee) = YY
Me = Me

YY: You have a cut on your leg! Do you want a Band-Aid?
Me: No, it's okay. It's scabbed over.
YY: But germs could get in!
Me: I'll clean it out and put some Neosporin on it tonight.
YY: But what about today? You could catch AIDS!
Me: I'm not going to get AIDS walking around with a cut on my leg.
YY: You never know. This is San Francisco, after all.

Yeah, I might accidentally rub my leg against a gay person and die.

11:56 AM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

November 30, 2002 / Saturday

Quote of the Day (A Special Translated Edition)

I've sort of been in denial the last few years about the dog being my mom's favorite. Yesterday she put an end to that ...

Sis: Mom, why is everyone so tolerant with the dog? She's just a dog!
Mom: She's not just a dog! She's your sister!

As a matter of fact, my mom is talking to the dog as I type. Earlier this morning she talked right over me because she had something to say to her dear Bobo. Something about being a good doggie for pooping on command.

Arf.

• • •

Aiyah, puppy, why do you look so sad? Come! I'll brush your hair!

08:55 AM | Famidotes:Quote| Comments (0)

November 12, 2002 / Tuesday

The Scale, And Mom

So I realized last night that I'm almost 10 pounds lighter than I was in high school. This morning I thought, oh my god, my mom's gonna be so mad at me. She's gonna take one look at me when I go home later this month and say, "Aiyah! So skinny! You must be working too hard. Don't play so many sports. Sleep more. Eat more nutritious food. Come! Drink some soup!" Mom. Gotta love her.

10:37 AM | Famidotes| Comments (0)

September 16, 2002 / Monday

Titles And Stuff

I can't believe I was offline for most of yesterday. I feel so out of touch with the world. Where do I get my messages and sports scores from? I wanted to get football scores and completely blanked on how to do it. No computer. Sob sob.

So today I have a lot of make-up blogging to do. My brain kept spewing blog topics at me on my drive this morning. I filled up a whole page with notes. Too bad I can't read my own chickenscratch.

Anyway, I stopped at that kinda newly opened organic coffee place in Berkeley again. I swear, they are the happiest coffee stand employees I've ever seen. Maybe it had something to do with that new agey music they were playing. Had my first whole milk latte. I think I'm gonna stick with soy from now on. Got myself a bran muffin too, thinking I was going to be all healthy and stuff. It tasted like fiber (cardboard) so I slathered butter all over it when I got into work. Mmm ...

Speaking of which, I need to buy butter for my new fridge.

Okay, on to the gazillion chickenscratched notes from yesterday and today. I was going to split them up into individual linkable posts but I'm in one of those write a huge post moods. I apologize in advance to all of you out there with A.D.D.. I'll try to sectionize and paragraphize frequently. I'll even do titles and stuff.

Kinda like that. Cool?

Nod Nod

Too many people out there walk around looking unfriendly. It's that whole outta-my-way attitude. I do it when I'm in a bad mood. Hell no I won't smile for you! But you know what? I think a lot of them are just doing it because they don't want to act all friendly and risk getting dissed if the other person doesn't reciprocate. And I guess some people don't reciprocate because they have to act all hard and stuff and therefore aren't allowed to smile. And I guess some of them just plain don't know how to smile. Anyway, I was thinking about this yesterday because that kinda newly opened organic coffee place in Berkeley borders a semi-shady part of town where you start getting more people trying to be all hard and unsmiling. The type of people you don't want to smile at because you know that you're gonna get dissed. But you know what works? You nod. You nod that nod that guys do when they're feeling like they have to be a GUY because for some strange reason if a guy smiles at another guy it means he's gay. Anyway, you nod and they feel acknowledged and they nod back and it's all good. 'Sup.

Thinking (Not Quite So) Big

Think big, they say. Well, you know what I say? I say, think big, but not too big, because if you think too big then all of a sudden you realize that you and me in our society on this planet circling this solar system floating around in our galaxy expanding into the universe are completely and totally and utterly meaningless.

See, that's my problem. I start thinking about what I want to achieve in life and the next thing you know I'm thinking about world domination and then I'm thinking about what's beyond just world domination and then I realize the world ain't shit and there's no point. Boo.

If Not World Domination, Then What?

I love to write. I was all math and sciencey in high school but my english teacher pegged me for a writer despite all my anti-humanities gung-ho-ness. And you know what? He was right. I just happen to write in a style not often (or ever, for that matter) identified as great (or even good) literature. That must mean I'm not a good writer, I thought. But hey, you guys read this and you all keep coming back. Well, most of you, at least. I'm sure I've scared off a reader or two here and there. But anyway, I love this stuff. I love spewing my thoughts out into my browser window text area. I love stringing together word after word until I have one huge nearly incomprehensible sentence that most english teachers would consider a horrific compound run-on. It's fun.

Unfortunately, it won't help me take over the world. Nor will it make me a decent living, or so I believe. Being raised by fairly traditional Chinese parents means I absolutely cannot accept the fact that writing could ever earn me enough money to be comfortable in life and secure in my finances.

So, doggammit, I can't write for a living . Just because I don't believe that I can. I have this other hangup about it,