Blank Of The Day :: Lesson
July 04, 2006 / Tuesday
Lesson of the Day
If you're lying on your back sucking on a cough drop and the only thing keeping that cough drop from dropping into the back of your throat is your tongue against the roof of your mouth, don't try to talk.
Maybe that's why they call it a cough drop. Har har har.
11:44 AM | Lesson| Comments (1)
March 22, 2004 / Monday
Lesson of the Day
If you are foaming milk and it starts to sound like it's going to boil, turn the steam off and remove the milk, because if you continue to foam it will eventually boil and you will end up with scaldingly hot soymilk all over your hand.
Yeah, I know, I'm not good with hot things.
07:36 AM | Lesson| Comments (0)
March 16, 2004 / Tuesday
Lesson of the Day
If it looks like cardboard, even if it's shaped like a muffin, it will likely taste like cardboard, too.
Every year or so I forget this lesson and buy those mango cran-blueberry überbran muffins from Trader Joe's. They're expensive, too. Designer cardboard. Blech.
09:33 AM | Food:Lesson| Comments (0)
July 02, 2003 / Wednesday
Lesson of the Day
If the CHP officer doesn't turn his radar on, your $400 radar detector won't know to tell you that he's there.
Roh.
11:44 PM | Lesson| Comments (0)
February 06, 2003 / Thursday
Lesson of the Day
It's amazing what sharp knives will do for your quality of life.
On a related note ...
If you're gonna work in the kitchen before you leave for work in the morning, do everything you need to do prior to getting dressed for work, because if you put your nice work clothes on and then muck around in the kitchen you're bound to splash or spill something on your nice work clothes and wind up having to either change or wear part of whatever you were preparing on you for the rest of the day.
Roh.
10:30 AM | Lesson| Comments (0)
September 25, 2002 / Wednesday
Lesson of the Day
If you keep your jug of water with the pull-out spout on the top shelf of your refrigerator, do not turn the cold dial to "coldest" because then your jug of water will freeze and you won't be able to use the pull-out spout and you'll get really thirsty and wind up cutting a hole in the top of the jug so you can turn the thing upside down to pour and wind up with water all over your floor.
I guess if you need water to mop with on a hot summer day it's all right.
09:49 AM | Lesson| Comments (0)
September 10, 2002 / Tuesday
Lesson of the Day
If you store all of your important information in your PDA, do not let the damn thing run so far out of batteries that it loses what little juice it needs to remember your data.
I just did the extreme lazy ass equivalent of a PDA format. Sucks!
12:29 PM | Lesson| Comments (0)
August 09, 2002 / Friday
Lesson of the Day
Do not leave your roll of hockey tape sitting on the seat of your car in the sun on a really hot day because the sticky gummy stuff on the inside of the tape will melt and get all over the outside of the tape and when you go to wrap your new and shiny hockey stick with it all the taped surfaces will be sticky and your stick will stick to your glove and the puck and the ice and that would really really suck.
On the other hand, you won't lose your stick while playing. I tested it out last night. Works quite well, until I need to get off the ice. It's hard to hop over the boards when you have a 5 foot wooden thing hanging from your hand.
06:14 PM | Hockey:Lesson| Comments (0)
July 30, 2002 / Tuesday
Lesson of the Day
Do not try to stop people twice your size who are running toward you at full speed because if your foot is planted when they come barging into your side your ankle will buckle.
It kinda sucks when that happens 'cause it like, hurts and stuff.
01:38 AM | Injuries:Lesson| Comments (0)
July 18, 2002 / Thursday
Lesson of the Day
Do not play tennis angry.
If you must play tennis angry, kindly ask if you can play against the other players in the class who either can't hit the ball or don't care much about the game at hand anyway. If you do not take the aforementioned preventative action, you will probably your ass kicked.
07:50 PM | Lesson| Comments (0)
July 11, 2002 / Thursday
Lesson of the Day
I got my timing back! Tennis rocked today. I was inveeencible!
I guess my problem was I'd forgotten that I was supposed to watch the ball up to the point of contact with my racket strings. Once I remembered to do that I started ripping groundstrokes and crushing volleys ... left and right and down and back up. Way way up. WhoO!
That reminds me, when I was little my baseball coaches would always say, "Keep your eye on the ball." I registered it but never actually processed it. I always thought it was something baseball coaches just said. I didn't know what they meant by it. And then after tennis this afternoon I was thinking about how I was keeping my eye on the ball and all of a sudden it dawned on me that my coaches were trying to teach me how to hit. Huh.
Ooh ooh ...
Keep your eye on the ball.
Don't try to apply this to basketball, though. I did that and got hit in the eye last Monday and it hurt! Eyeballs are no match for basketballs. Neither are basketball heads.
10:40 PM | Lesson| Comments (0)
April 01, 2002 / Monday
Lesson of the Day
Do not challenge a baseball with your head. The baseball will win.
How do I know? The bruise on my face said so.
02:53 PM | Injuries:Lesson| Comments (0)
March 02, 2002 / Saturday
Lesson of the Day
This one's kind of long-winded. The lesson doesn't come until the italicized 3rd sentence of the 3rd non-italicized paragraph. I know you guys can't wait to get to the good stuff, but you have to read through to understand the point I'm trying to make. Trust me. It's good for you.
I feel kind of bad for thinking this is strangely morbidly funny ... and also for pointing it out, but damn, that sucks.
Did you click on the link? If you don't read that article first the rest of this post isn't going to make sense and you're not going to get much out of your lesson. Come on, now. It's for your own good. I don't want you to skip the lesson and die because of it.
Okay, you've read it? Good. Let's do the analysis.
What's the proper way to look at this? Are trains like lightning? If you escape death by train once does that mean you shouldn't have to escape death by train again and this poor guy's death was just a freak accident? On the other hand, if he almost got killed by a train, maybe it meant that he had bad train karma. In that case, wouldn't it mean he brought it upon himself?
Freak accident or avoidable train pronie incident? Let's play it safe for all of you who still have a shot at this death prevention thing and assume the latter. There's a lesson to be learned here, and that is, if one day you happen to escape a fiery train / plane / bus / boat / tandem bicycle catastrophe, do not try to take that same mode of transportation on your return journey. You just might get run over by the train / plane / bus / boat / tandem bicycle the second time around and die.
There. I hope you benefit from this post. In trying to save you from a gruesome and unnecessary death I've just cost myself approximately 7 karma points. But hey, anything for my beloved readers.
01:52 AM | Lesson| Comments (0)
February 01, 2002 / Friday
Lesson of the Day
Bring an extra pair of socks with you to the ice skating rink if you're going to rent skates because the skates might be moldy and mildewy and when you take them off you probably won't want to put your now moldy and mildewy socks into your much cleaner shoes. Either that or wear your moldiest and mildewiest pair of shoes to the ice skating rink so that it doesn't matter how moldy and mildewy the rental skates are.
Or, if you're me, buy yourself a pair of skates for the 2 times a year you go ice skating. There's nothing like shiny new sports equipment!
11:59 PM | Lesson| Comments (0)
January 18, 2002 / Friday
Lesson of the Day
Don't challenge solid objects 'cause they always find a way to win.
I always try to but I'm usually smart enough to chicken out at the last minute. I'm quite fond of challenging poles and the like. Today I took on the corner of a wall. It was one of those rough exterior ones. Actually, I didn't mean to. It just happened. One minute I was high-fiving Nadsy, the next minute I'd left a chunk of my hand on the wall. I got a pretty nice looking scrape from it. One of those concentrated deep ones. If I had my camera with me I'd take a picture to show you all.
01:02 AM | Lesson| Comments (0)
January 16, 2002 / Wednesday
Lesson of the Day (1/2)
Do not shop at ghetto K Marts.
Me to Clerk 1: Excuse me, where can I find space heaters?
Clerk 1: I don't know. Ask them. Points to two other clerks.
Me to Clerks 2 & 3: Excuse me, where can I find space heaters?
Clerk 2: Blink blink.
Clerk 3: They're back near the electronics section.
Me & Nadsy: Walk over to electronics and wander a bit.
Nadsy to Clerk 4: Excuse me, where can I find space heaters?
Clerk 4: We don't have space heaters.
Lesson of the Day (2/2)
Do not put money into the quarter toy machines at ghetto K Marts.
They don't work and you shouldn't expect any of the employees there to help you when the damned thing eats your quarter. Save your money for gas so you can drive a little farther to the Target across the freeway.
05:38 PM | Lesson| Comments (0)
December 11, 2001 / Tuesday
Lesson of the Day
If you want to clear everyone out of your cube in a jiffy, tell them there are donuts on the other side of the office.
12:28 PM | Lesson| Comments (0)
November 21, 2001 / Wednesday
Lesson of the Day
If you have two phone numbers and use one solely for intercepting telemarketers, don't answer the damned thing when it rings!
08:23 PM | Lesson| Comments (0)
October 24, 2001 / Wednesday
Lesson of the Night
Watch out for stowaway chapstick in your laundry because when you put it in the dryer all the waxy stuff inside will melt and ooze out and get all over your clothes.
It was my favorite flavor, too. 
11:10 PM | Lesson| Comments (0)
October 11, 2001 / Thursday
Lesson of the Day
Keep an eye on your toasting Eggo.
No, not because someone might come and take it, although that's also quite possible. You need to keep an eye on it while it's toasting so that it doesn't overtoast and turn into a smoking black lump! It gets especially bad when suddenly realize your Eggo is burning and rush to the toaster oven to save it and open the oven door and wind up inhaling a lungful of burning Eggo smoke.
And then when you exhale as you walk by the smoke detector the burning Eggo smoke comes out and sets the darned thing off.
Yeah, so how was YOUR morning?
09:48 AM | Lesson| Comments (0)
August 30, 2001 / Thursday
Lesson of the Day
Do not leave DayQuil LiquiCaps in your car through all the hot days of summer because your car will heat up and your LiquiCaps will melt. And then when you're sick and you need non-drowsy cold medicine you'll go and reach for your LiquiCaps and you'll find them melted and oozing out of their little LiquiCap holders.
You'll have sticky orange LiquiCap guts all over your fingers and no congested-stuffy head, sore throat, coughing, aching, fever so you can get through the day medicine.
Sniff sniff.
Hee hee, I just made an onomatopoeia pun.
07:26 PM | Lesson| Comments (0)
August 01, 2001 / Wednesday
Lesson of the Day
12:50:49 PM EDT ... just had lunch
It is not a good idea to scarf down a greasy Burger King meal in under 5 minutes and then try to give a presentation directly afterward.
Bleah!
03:41 PM | Lesson| Comments (0)
July 31, 2001 / Tuesday
Lesson of the Night
8:23:52 PM CDT ... just ate "dinner"
Never, and I repeat, never, buy a quesadilla from an airport restaurant that specializes in sandwiches.
09:46 PM | Food:Lesson| Comments (0)
Lesson of the Morning
9:57:39 AM ... at the gate now waiting to board
A muffin without the fat does not taste like a real muffin so if you really want a muffin get the fattiest one you can, eat it gleefully, and enjoy every last fatty muffiny bite.
Otherwise you end up eating blueberry-flavored sugar paste like I'm doing.
