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Awww. :) I know how you feel. I'm a big failure too. Had I gone to A&M instead of TCU, I would be a vet instead of a graphic design, a field which has no good translation in Chinese.

I would say ... wear a hat to visit the grandparents.

And just give Mom time. She'll turn around once she realizes that she can't be close to her daughter anymore because she herself has pushed you away. Mine has! And I felt certain at times that it would take nothing less than a miracle.

She still thinks I ought to get a baby instead of a puppy ... but at least the husband part is out of the way. ;)

i had to deal with this in a different way, with my parents, when i came out. both of my parents cried, at different points, grieving for the life they thought their daughter was going to have (presumably as a straight wife and mother). there were also protracted bouts of passive-aggressiveness.

this always seemed a little much to me, but in any case i think it's another example of parents having this picture in their head of what they want/expect for you, and when that doesn't happen, they can get a little irrational or emotional.

so, it's normal and i think you're handling it the best way possible: you're being yourself. i hope you're lucky in that eventually, your mom will come around, just like my parents did. in the meantime, i know how much this part sucks, and i'm sorry to hear you're having to deal with this.

I hope she does come around, although one of the problems my sister and I have seen is that she gets more and more like my grandma as she gets older.

As for marriage and babies, I have nothing against either. It's just that I don't view it as something I must do, and on a schedule. When I'm good and ready, I'll know. Why rush something so important?

The funny thing is, she acts perfectly normal (well, normal for mom) most of the time. It's just when certain conversations start that stuff like this comes up. Then it's like, agh, I guess all my explaining still hasn't gotten through!

I should have brought a hat!

Thanks you guys for the notes. :)

Growing up sucks, huh? I hate seeing my parents as regular people, who happened to have children and who have prejudices/faults like everyone else. Even though you may want to stay away longer each time, consider when she is gone from this world, would you regret anything? MM didn't agree with many of things his father did, but the past few years MM made it a point to have dinner with his dad every few months to reconnect. And as you know, all of a sudden his dad is gone.

I wonder if parents sometimes push their kids to have kids so that they can spend the maximum number of years enjoying grandkids? (I'm lucky in that my sister has already done the grandkids bit -- phew!) Or if your grandmother pressures your mother to pressure you, because she wants to see great-grandkids?

In a way I figure people having kids sooner means that they have more time free of them later on -- and have greater odds of meeting their own grandkids, which most people seem to value.

It's a weird line of thought. Bleh.

It's is interesting to see how parents measure their success by your actions. I _still_ get the pressure to have kids and well that ain't happening unless magic or fairy tales make a big come back ... now it is more along the lines of you need to adopt, adopt, adopt....I just smile and tune out cause eventually we have normal conversations.

Don't let mommy drive you away. She's not dissapointed. She is just having one of her weird menopausal mood swings. I agree that she acts totally normally and then flips out with no warning.

Plus, I think that mommy is the one who is unhappy. She does it to herself. She always wants to fit in and be subtle and normal. She wants to be as perfect as possible and wants the same for us.

Mom thinks she knows what's best for you. I think what sparked this whole thing is that alot of her friend's kids are settling down and getting married. Not to be a jerk but half of those marriages will end with divorce (statistics ya know?). Maybe in a few years when that happens mommy will see you're not making a big mistake by not settling down now. Haha.

Don't tell her but I'm not really anxious to be married either. Too complicated. I look at mom and dad and I don't want to be like that. I look at grandma and grandpa, same reaction. I'm screwed up.

oh man, i hate that line. in one fell swoop, all your accomplishments and hard work is reduced to shit because you didn't meet her expectations somehow.

my mom's pretty cool for the most part too, but then she's gotta make an evil, cutting remark and kill the bond i had worked so hard to forge.

the upside is that i am very careful about what i say to people and i will definitely never ever say anything like that to val.

sorry though you couldn't escape a visit without this sort of conversation. mine is convinced that if i were skinnier, money would fall from the sky.

ah yes i get these same things to. the expectations of parents will always be there - they always hope you to live a life that they dreamed of the moment you were in the womb. unfortunately i think it's caused by some type of hormone which starts to be secreted immediately upon the fertilization of the egg. my bro is expecting and he already has the ideal life of his new son planned out for 40 years.

your parents want you to be happy. unfortunately they also think the only way you can be happy is by doing the things the way they do them. i have this argument with my parents ALL the time. and i don't even have red hair for them to pick on!

i also have another theory. asians who are brought up in asia have a stronger urge to please the group rather than the individual. in the US you are taught that being an individual is a very good thing. When i do something that makes me happy and makes my parents unhappy, my parents think i don't love them since i don't care about their opinion. even though i'm close to my parents, we will always have this difference.

there is nothing wrong with you or them. both of you just think differently. hang in there.

Well since I have no idea how any parent could say that to their child.....i won't even comment on it. But I will say I think your red hair ROCKS and your parents should be insanely proud of the person you are. insanely proud.

Wow, so many responses. I'm a little overwhelmed, in a good way. I read them all as they trickled in on my phone (was on the road to Pittsburgh all day) Friday. Finally online now to process and reply!

BH: You're right, I've even thought in the past that I should go home more often because I won't be able to see my parents once they're gone. What I find a little ironic about that is my mom doesn't want me to see my grandparents. Meh.

McJedi: Yes, my grandmother definitely wants great-grandchildren, and she's even directly asked me. I have no idea whether she's asked my mom to ask me for them, though. In any case, I think my mom has many reasons for wanting me to have kids sooner rather than later.

Shadow: For some reason I resist tuning out my parents; I keep thinking I can come to some sort of understanding with them!

Pookie: I agree, I agree, and I agree. I don't want what grandma and grandpa have, and I don't truly believe that mom and dad are happy with where they are now either. I won't marry for the same reasons they did, and nothing any of them say will change my mind on that.

Andrea: Your comment about Val reminds me of how I've made mental notes all my life of things I would never do or say to my kids. Too bad I never wrote them down! And holy crap, what if your mom is right? Suck in and see if you get conked on the head by bricks of $20's!

Melsybo: You are so right. They do want me to be happy, and no matter what I tell them they still make their own decisions about how happy or not happy I must be based on whether or not my life on track with their standards of success and happiness. Yeah, we're just different. And I will hang in there.

Christy: They seem to simply be insane over my hair, but thank you. :)

I've given it all a lot of thought, and had quite a few more somewhat related conversations with both my parents in the last two days (there's nothing like a 600 mile road trip with traffic for that!). In the end, I know that I can't and won't go away; I'll still call home every weekend and I'll still be excited to see them, even if I know it means I'm in for some painful conversations. I've put quite a bit of effort into explaining to them not only where I'm coming from, but the differences between how we approach things, in hopes that an eventual understanding on their part will allow them to better accept what they don't see as ideal. Life's not always going to be easy, and running away from what's hard is not the right way to handle things. So yes, I'll hang in there, and continue trying to make things better. I trust it'll all work out in the end.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I very much appreciate it.

Just to add a little to the wealth of information you have already received. I am just experiencing this myself as Stacey gets older and I find myself wishing she would settle down and get a life (not a spouse and child mind you.) I would be insanely proud of you. You are supporting yourself, living healthy, meeting your educational goals, etc.

I think the break down is pretty simple. Every parent wants their child to do better than they did. However, they become like children themselves in that they can't wait for it, and so the nag, pester, and annoy in failed attempts to make it happen. Anything they see hindering that success, such as red hair, is seen as something to be dealt with. It's not that the red hair in and of itself is bad, it's what it represents and how they feel society will deal with it. I'm guessing your parents feel that you won't be taken seriously, and thus won't settle down, etc.

Also, as your children grow you find that other people are very interested in what your kids are doing. When they ask and the answer is what they expect you get a, "You must be so proud," but when they don't get what they expect you get the long silent pause, and then the condoning, "Some kids just take longer to find themselves" comments. It really makes you feel like a total failure as a parent whether you are or not.

Lastly, resist saying, "I'll never say anything like that to my kids." Mark my words you will hear many of those things come out of your mouth at some time or other. You may kick yourself for it, but it will happen. It has happened to every single parent. It's probably good that you never kept a list, although it might be good for a giggle later down the road.

I don't think I really got my point across, so just remember, they were raised in a different time and place and their comments come from there, not from a true disappoint in you. At least that would be my guess since I've never met them.

Hi V, I've been popping in and out for a while and I think all your hairstyles have been adorable. Shows you're not afraid of your individuality, confident, independent, fun, funky, etc.

I think your mother's problem is not with your hair really, rather with the fact she'd like you to be closer to her and doesn't know how to achieve that. Seems like she's trying to pull you close by making you something she's comfortable with, instead of learning to accept you as an adult making adult choices that don't mirror hers.

Hopefully this view wasn't too oversimplified but I'm a tad tired tonight, so apologies. I've got a daughter a little younger than you so I can relate to what your mom is going through.

Snarfdog: It's really nice to get a 3rd party parent perspective. You're right, I think there is definitely an element of "You must be so proud" involved. You're also right on their perception of my red hair being bad because of its effect on other parts of my life. Gosh, I just wish they could understand that no one is ever perfect, and even if perfect could be approached it takes time to get there!

Lisa: Hello! It's so true; my choices often don't mirror my parents', and while I try hard to explain to them why I make those choices, either I'm doing a poor job of explaining or they're doing a poor job of listening. I think it's the latter, but I'm probably biased. ;)

Wow, in a weird way, this is kind of heartwarming, because it shows you aren't alone. I've had the "settling down" talk with my mom, the blue hair talk with my mom, and the "You're such a disappointment, I wanted you to become a Navy doctor" talk with my dad. I agree that parents want to spend as much time with grandkids as possible, but I also think parents want to be sure that their kids have someone to share their lives with. Their generational clock pushed people to do this a bit sooner than ours. I'm glad you're not giving up on them. The thing about controlling our own destinies is that we don't always have a roadmap, and you know parents, they always want to know the plan.

Want to know the plan? I think they DO know the plan! It's just that I'm not following it, which seems to distress them greatly.

Agh, mothers! Can't live with 'em, can't stuff 'em in a sack.

I love your hair, and think you're incredibly successful. Working and studying so hard and achieving this goal--what's not to be proud of? I don't get it.

You rock. Don't you forget it.