Search Results for: auntie

Exercise Plan For Auntie

My mom just called to ask about my aunt.

M: How is she?
V: She’s doing all right.
M: She should exercise more. She should hula.
V: You think she wants to hula?
M: You can have her to hula with you.
V: How am I going to do that?
M: If you tell her you’re better, she’ll want to beat you.
V: You want me to start a hula hooping competition with her?
M: Yes, she’s very competitive.
M: When I scored a perfect score on her karaoke machine she practiced until she matched it.
M: Just go upstairs and tell her you’re learning.
M: Don’t outhula her too much the first day.
M: Then, each day, hula a little longer so she has a challenge.
V: Mom, you’re funny.
M: You think it’s a bad idea?
V: No, I just think you’re funny.
M: Well, that’s the plan, okay?
V: Um, sure.
M: Bye.

Auntie Does PowerPoint

Auntie has a presentation tomorrow. She came by just now to do a run-through and get some advice.

A: Is there a way to start a slide show without going to “View” / “Slide Show”?
V: Yeah, just hit F5.
A: Does that mean “run” for everything?
V: No, just PowerPoint.
A: You don’t use PowerPoint often.
V: Nope.
A: Waste of memory!

I protested. I pointed out that whenever I don’t remember how to do something, she tells me I have a bad memory. I asked her what exactly I was supposed to be doing with my memory so as not to draw a negative comment from her. She changed the subject.

The slide show was… interesting. Lots of animation in a total of about 10 slides. She clicked through it without saying anything, and when I asked her if she planned to say anything, she replied, “I’m going to tell them it will be a silent slide show. The slides are self explanatory.”

50 people in a room, watching silent slides for 3 minutes. Sounds like fun.

While The Auntie’s Away…

I’ll clean the garage!

I *think* it’s better than it was before. At the very least, I came across the following gems:

Gem 1

The garage shelf, baskets, and shoerack need V8!

Gem 2

Notice that it says “RAT TRAP” on the thing, not “mouse trap”. Size 8 1/2 beater sneaker shown for scale reference.

I really, really hope that trap was purchased out of paranoia, and not need.

Gem 3

Roller Derby skates, like new, box and everything!

I’m trying to picture my aunt skating around in these things, and I just can’t.

You’re Not Going to Believe This Auntiedote

So my aunt did her yearly “Do you have any contact lens solution receipts?” thing to me over dinner tonight. She does this every year, since she almost always puts too much money into her flexible spending account. “No,” I said, “I don’t keep all my receipts anymore because my OCD is better now.” I mentioned that I should have put money into my flexible spending account this year, a good six or seven hundred dollars.

Auntie was shocked. “Why?” she asked.

I explained that my dental insurance covered only 80% of my wisdom teeth removal. She wanted to know about the rest of the money.

Trying to avoid yet another awkward BCP discussion, I said, “I have a prescription to fill every month.”

She wanted to know what for. Oh great, this again.

“Birth control pills,” I replied.

“Aiya! So bad for you!”


Finally, she said, “Can’t you use condoms?”

I nearly spat out my dinner. Holy shit, my aunt just broke the age old (surrogate) Chinese parent rule of thereisnosuchthingassex.

That, and she said “condom”. My aunt, who has to whisper words like “sex” and “lesbian” (and would never ever dare to use those two words in the same sentence), said “condom”.

Hello, is the world still spinning?

Anyway, we then entered into a lengthy discussion about the other benefits of taking birth control, which, not surprisingly, resulted in her declaring that there was something wrong with me, because she has always been regular, and naturally so. Yes, oh my god, I’m so imperfect. How have I managed to survive twenty six whole years like this?

Must be those pills I keep taking.


From yesterday, actually.

– Where were you today?
– Oh, I went to the Snell testing facility.
– What’s that?
– They test helmets, for motorcycles, auto racing, bicycles…
– Who’d you go with?
– Some hockey and motorcycle folks.
– Were there lesbians there?
– What does THAT have to do with anything?!

That pissed me off, so I decided to rile her up a little.

– Hey, guess where I was last night.
– Where?
– At a dyke bar.
– What’s that?

Okay, so that didn’t have quite the intended effect. Dammit.

That reminds me of an amusing quote from Friday night. A few of us were talking about how I wasn’t going to find a cute boy where we were. Someone then piped up with, “You might find a girl who looks like cute boy, though!” Ha!

Not Quite An Auntiedote

I just had quite the blogworthy conversation with my aunt about:

(1) homosexuals (a common one, since we differ so widely on the issue)
(2) how to pick a good motorcycle (yes, you read that correctly)

She spoke with such authority on both issues, but especially the second one. I don’t claim to be an expert on either, but man, she was spewing arguments at me left and right about things she knew *absolutely* nothing about. I’m still in such shock that I’m not quite sure how to write about it.

On the upside, she made me a yummy soft tofu (one step up from silken tofu) dish and enough potatoes to last me for days. Thanks, auntie, for the grub and for the, uh, interesting conversation.

Hair Too Short, Calves Too Big: An Auntiedote

auntie stares at my calves
– What? Are you looking at the scratch?
– No, your legs got big.
– Big? My legs aren’t big.
– They used to be skinnier. Now you have this muscle.
– But that’s good. It helps me jump higher and skate faster.
– That’s not normal.
– Sure it is. Muscles grow when you work them.
– No, I mean, that’s not how you were born.
– No, I was born with really short calves.
makes “4 inch” gesture with fingers

– That’s not what I mean! Your calves aren’t natural.
– Well, it’s not as if I have artificial calf implants or anything!
– Most people don’t like calves like that. They like calves shaped like mine.
gestures to her own skinny muscleless calves

Okay, what else is wrong with me? I can’t wait to find out what’s next.

And The Auntiedotes Return!

I’m spending a lot more time at home these days. More time at home means more time with the auntie. Here’s tonight’s episode:

auntie calls my name from outside my door
– Yeah?
– Come drink soup!

I was feeling lazy and didn’t want to cook, so I headed upstairs for soup. I took a sip, and went for the salt.

– Aiyah! So salty!
I say nothing
– You eat so salty!

Auntie goes back to watching her Chinese soap opera. At the next commercial break, she comes into the kitchen and starts inspecting me. I’m sitting there in my gym clothes having soup, like a good little niece.

auntie sighs
– I don’t know why you have to keep your hair like that.
– It’s different. Besides, it’s temporary.
auntie inspects my tank top
– That’s not good.
– What?
– Your shirt.
– I’m in my gym clothes.
– Oh. I thought you wore that to work.
– Are you kidding me?
auntie looks me over some more
– Your left arm is bigger.
– Actually, my right arm is bigger. My left arm is more defined.
– Why do you want that?!
– It’s not by choice!
– It’s not?
– Of course not! I’m right handed and I grew up playing tennis.
– Other people who go to the gym aren’t imbalanced.
– There’s nothing I can do about it.
– Maybe you should lift more with your left arm, oh, no, LESS with your right arm!
– Lifting is all about control and balance. I can’t lift different weights.
auntie continues to examine and make faces at my imbalanced arms

Fortunately, her soap opera came back from commercial break. I finished my soup and bolted before the next one.

I never would have figured out on my own that I’m an imbalanced funny-haired salt monster. Thanks, auntie!